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authentic- [ aw théntik ]...

2011-07-27T18:21:00.000-07:00

authentic- [ aw théntik ]

Definition- Not false or copied: genuine and original, as opposed to being a reproduction

I thought I’d post today about the single most liberating and life changing thing that can happen to a human being, to give yourself freedom and acceptance to be your authentic self. This solitary choice can give you independence from the daily internal sabotaging and conflict that goes on in your brain between who you were meant to be, and the little voices that you carry on with all day. Now let’s call your authentic self the conscious mind, the ‘who you are without question’, and the little voices the subconscious. It is a fact that the subconscious processes some 20,000,000 environmental stimuli per second, sorting, filing, stacking, interpreting, and reacting while the conscious mind can only attend to 40. It’s a scientific fact that your brain has its own agenda and is only doing what it is biologically designed to do, to process as much information as possible and present solutions that keep you comfortable, protect you from imminent danger, and work whatever angle necessary to be accepted. No hard feelings.

It is only because, like every other human being on the planet, I’ve been there 20,000,000 times per second that I can already hear your little voice saying, “What do you mean ‘authentic self’? Who else would I be?” Take a minute, take a deep breath, and stuff a sock in that little voice. We all make do, or make it up at some point or another and if we have anything or anyone to place blame upon, let’s lay the wrap on biology. It’s a safe place to put it, and now that the blame is out of the way (clapping hands together like slapping dust off), let’s get down to really real business.

Let’s lay it out there. The thought of being your authentic self is scary. What if people don’t like you? Not the you you put out in the world, but the real McCoy? What if others don’t think you are funny, or smart, or entertaining, or a good person, or have good taste, or what if they just don’t enjoy your company? What then? It’s much easier to put up a mirage and accept the fact that if anyone has any complaints or judgments that it’s not really about you. My question to you is what in the world makes you think you are the only one? The people that you are so afraid of, are equally afraid of you! Isn’t this front of ours is a huge waste of time? At what point do we give up living a LIFE where we are fully free to express who we are, for the possibility of looking good to someone else? We all judge each other anyways whether we are being authentic and genuine, or whether we are putting up the grand mirage. I am telling you from absolute experience that if you give up all that mumbo jumbo and put yourself out in the world, you will never be happier or more fulfilled.

For most that have truly discovered their authentic selves, there was an ‘AH-HA!’ moment where everything fell away and being the lead actor or actress was exposed as being an exhausting waste of time. You finally decide that wasting another precious moment putting work into something so empty is simply unacceptable. How about giving that “AH-HA!” moment a little prod? Start with some small, embarrassing secret. Confess to a group of people that you like Brittney Spears music, that you have a crush on Prince, that even though you have a business degree, your big dream is to own a hair salon, or that you think Sarah Palin would be a great president (OMG) but lay it out as a fact instead of a dirty little secret. Once you see that you haven’t died from embarrassment or that nobody has sent you to live on a deserted island all by yourself, your next reveal will be easier. Keep revealing, continue to speak your mind. Put yourself out there. Keep an empty head and just BE. Try not to think so much. It’s seriously overrated.

Giving an A...

2011-06-19T15:00:00.000-07:00

Lately I’ve picked up a few “inspirational” books to see what differences and belief systems might exist that I haven’t tapped into yet. I take pieces of what I like from here and there and toss the rest aside. It becomes a path to a new game and I love who I’ve been able to create from listening to, reading about, and practicing new things. For those of you that know me personally, I choose to be an upbeat, positive person! The glass isn’t half empty or full because a glass containing and constructed of fabulosity simply cannot be measured in those terms. I rarely have a bad day because I don’t believe in them. When I have a bad day it is because of the way that I put the events that occurred that day into context, and the way that I personally chose to experience those events.

The most recent book I’ve attempted to dig into is called “The Art of Possibility”. It has stars up the wazoo and people all over the globe are raving about how this book will change your life, etc. etc. Now I AM only ½ way through at this point so I’m keeping an open mind. Besides, everyone interprets things differently so even if I gave it a single star, that opinion would be just as valid as any one of the 5 star givers.

This particular post is about an observation about where I was listening from during a chapter entitled “Giving an A”. It’s also about how I reinterpreted the chapter to my liking and got something fab out of it even though my interpretation was not the author’s intended delivery. We can do that you know. Change shyte around until it suits us, and then make it real!

Everybody gets an A. Oh boy. Paragraphs through this chapter I considered closing the book and considering it a fail. Hippy nonsense and psychobabble! Bah-humbug! It is not my belief that everyone deserves an A. Children who get medals just for showing up are not being prepared for the harshness of the really real world. They are not being encouraged to be more. There are winners and losers and that’s just the way it is, try harder. Same goes for the work place. Higher motivated and higher achieving employees should get a bigger bonus than slackers. This is what I believe… uh, wait a minute. Hold up. This is a belief not an experience. Beliefs are made up, experiences are real. Ok. Put this idea into a different context and see where it takes you!

I decided instead not to give everyone an A for their achievements or their likeness to me, or to give an A so that they feel better about themselves and I feel better about me, but instead I gave an A for being a perfect human being. Exactly as they stand. Each one of us is uniquely different and we each turn up the noise and proceed to be whatever that little voice in our head encourages us to be. We load up all our fears and insecurities, our past, and our belief systems, and we create this person that doesn’t really exist. Underneath all of that made up mumbo jumbo, is a perfect human being. If you think that this is bunch of hippy nonsense and psychobabble (bah-humbug I GET IT!), just give it a try. Find someone to eyeball and give them an A for being a perfect human being. Try to remember that your act is just as ridiculous as their act, and the act is what we create to survive life. No act is correct nor the truth, it’s just what we think we need to survive in the world, to be accepted, and to be able to live with ourselves.

Its a great day to be a girlfriend (GF)!

2011-05-28T16:08:00.000-07:00

I didn't really think about it when I did it. A pinkie swear seemed like something fun to do, and before I knew it, I was suffering alongside a girlfriend(gf) who had sworn off chocolate, cheese, booze, and caffeine for a whole week. Even though visions of chocolate covered cheese booze ran rampant through my head the entire week (I couldn't commit to the zero caffeine clause), I didn't regret the compulsive decision one bit. What made this pinkie swear really special is that it was not a share between 100 year bffs, it was a pinkie swear between co-workers, between two goofy women who share office space. This is one of those little things that girls do, that even we don't completely understand and these little things, are what make us all the more interesting and necessary to each other. I have yet to come home and have my husband tell me he's made a random pinkie swear with a fellow man so he's off cheese for a week. Men and women have lots and lots of great, amazing, magnificent things to share with each other but makeup, and hairdos, Hello Kitty, and pinkie swears are not among these things. Actually one of my biggest giggles is to tell him "lets talk about our feelings", as I would with any one of my gf's, and watch the shear terror spread over his handsome face. Its not that he doesn't have feelings, its just that his way of working them out is to go build something. Man, its a great day to be a gf!

Now I made a decision when I really began blogging that if I was going to do this thing, I was going to have to be completely honest and let the chips fall where they may. One of the cool things that I get out of this relationship is hearing from other women who tell me that just by sharing my experiences and hearing them from a woman's perspective, written in chick language, I've opened up a crack in the door for them and have given them a space to see things from a new perspective. How awesome is that? It made me think about all of the rotten things, and all the awesome experiences I still have to share, and I get to do it because I made a decision to blog free. These random little notes also made me ponder the way that we share as gf's, and it's a weird, complex, dramatic, loving, supportive, irrational, ridiculously long story-telling way to share. It's perfect!

So I'm throwing a shout out to my fellow Chick-a-dees! Girlie's remember that we speak the same twisted, coded, language. We love stories with details (don't you dare leave a thing out!), and we have experienced the same types of heartaches and joy in the same way. We cry during commercials, and notice when a fellow gf has a new outfit. We even know what colors look best on our gf's! This is something special that we share. Something that connects us even if we don't have similar interests, so listen up! If we are ever to become who we were meant to be in the world, we have to do what chick-a-dee's do best, continue to cheer lead for each other, support each other in our irrational rationale, listen with rapturous interest to even the smallest sentence, and give each other comfort with our own tales of 'Yeah girl, I've been there!" There is everything right about being a girl. Don't ever let anyone tell you that it's silly, or ridiculous, or that things that make us happy don't have any significance. These things are significant to us which make them necessary. Now go out into the world and grab a gf to make a pinkie swear with. It's what we were born to DO.

*A shout out to Bee for the use of her pinkie in the photo above. Bee, I know you've been anxiously awaiting your premier and I must say, your pinkie photographs finer than any I've ever seen (wink!)

Spring Cleaning...

2011-05-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

I'm really very fortunate. My Mom and I have been working on a healthy, honest, relationship for the past few years. While sometimes our conversations are heated, and sometimes we are ready to push each other face first in a mud puddle and shake, these conversations can also be very insightful and healing. Now we aren't even close to being complete, but we are working on it, one little story at a time.

It's important that you understand what this whole thing is about. My mom and I have always been very close, we've always been in love however, we've also been very careful at protecting each other and covering the ugly with a big ol' juicy red heart. By doing this, the ugly never went away but instead festered until it became silent anger coated with resentment. For two people who love each other and have only tried to protect each other, it's a hard place to be, fessing up that we got some shyte to work through, but here we are.

I'm sharing this because recently my mom told me I need to move forward and stop being so angry for all the muck we've been through, and try to focus on the good moments. This leads me to suspect she reads my blog (Hi Mom!). This is completely cool with me however this particular conversation with her had me explaining why I bring the past up at all. It is my thought that if I share some of my life experiences with you, YOU will be able to relate to me on some level. Connect with me in a way that preaching good, and happiness, and choice alone won't do. I stand by my soapbox preachings that your life is up to you, that an amazing life is waiting for you if you dump the meaning that you've put into your show and take a step forward. I share my past with you not because I'm living there, but because perhaps you've been in a similar space and I might be able to show you the truth by experiencing my stories from their mucky bottoms to the way out. I can't be sure, but I also think that once you get to a certain age, you start to examine all the things that you've been stuffing in neat little boxes up to this point. You pull out all the junk in the boxes and shelp through the contents, and even though the contents are covered with goo and spiders, it's important to do some spring cleaning once and for all.

One thing is certain, there is no going backwards and fixing what went wrong. You can't change your past, but you can become clear about how much your past influences your present. If you can roll up your sleeves and get to work cleaning out your closet, if you can put up your dukes and confront all the skeletons inside, if you can make a courageous choice to leave all the meaning behind that you've associated with all the piled up junk in there, you have a real shot at creating your future. What do I mean by creating your future? Aren't you already doing that? The surprise answer is probably no.

Think of your past in this way, when things have worked out in the past, when things were going really great, you did your best to recreate the experience and even plan in the future to recreate what worked. When things didn't pan out, or you ended up with an outcome that pretty much sucked, you tended to focus on doing your best to avoid the same experience. Either way, your past in already in your future. It's a weird kind of understandable. We are reluctant to put the past behind us because we know what the probable outcome will be, we've already been there, it is comfortable and we know how to handle what comes next even if it sucks. Now try to imagine this, your closet is empty, you've worked out your shyte, and now there is nothing in the future... it's yours to create. Ya dig?

The really cool thing about creating your future is, there are no limits. Everything that you decided you were before, doesn't exist anymore. You have no angel on one shoulder, no devil on the other. Everything you admire in others and wished could be yours, could be if you choose it. Creating comes from a place of nothingness and empty. Creating is what you began as a child and then somewhere along the way, something happened, good or bad, and instead of creating, you re-created or avoided events that had already happened. I know, I know, it can be quite a shock. You created everything? It's all made up? If you clear it... there's nothing? This reasoning is at the core of all my many soapbox preachings. Anything is possible if you begin with nothing and create what's next. The tough part is getting out the broom and the dustpan and getting to work on that closet.

Rapture...

2011-04-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues; They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover. —Mark 16:17-18

The idea of "Rapture" sprouted after I watched a documentary on Appalachian serpent handlers. I was immediately drawn to these people and their passion for God, their devotion to their religion, and their absolute disregard for the probability that harm that was likely to come to them because of their practices. I was drawn to their prideful ways, not in material things or physical appearances, but of their BE-ing, of their culture, of their history and roots.

Serpent handling is serious business. Serpent handlers believe that The Bible says to take up serpents and that those who practice handling are simply taking the gospel literally. It is their belief that if a handler is fatally bitten it is God's will. If God is ready to take them, their time has come. The people who practice handling have their own ways, their own music, their own way of speaking. Serpent handling has even been outlawed in most states because it can be fatal yet, the faithful continue to worship in the way they see fit. Rebel, rebel.

If you are interested in learning more about this culture and this practice, there is no shortage of information available. As for the painting itself, the first few paragraphs describe her beginning, the idea of where I started. You have the obvious visual explanation and with the help of some key notes above, you can pick through and pull out some meat in the body that describe a bit of my personal outlook and experiences. Lets chat now about the little bits and pieces that I didn't mention above that make the painting personal to me. Let's get in the guts and dig around a little shall we?

My biggest struggle with this piece was actually the color scheme. I need color. I use color and brightness as a beacon to lead you to me. As a young girl, raised in a large, tight-knit family who's focus was the adults and all of their many issues, many times most of the kids felt invisible. We were expected to blend in, to not call attention to the lack of attention, to learn to say convincingly that everything is good, everything is normal, I'm okay, you're okay, and behind the cardboard facade, everything was deteriorating, cracked, peeling, or already broken. I was very uncomfortable with this piece until I gave her a pinch of makeup, added the snakes, and colored her hair blond. In the beginning the color scheme was so bland, it felt as if the cardboard fascia fell forward and I had to sit there with the world looking in on the broken, dusty, insides. Screams volumes huh? The best part about that discovery though is to know with a certainty that I have the power in me to change everything. I have the strength to change it, and I know how to make something ugly and bland, beautiful.

A last note, the snakes I added are also important to the piece. I chose the most colorful, interesting, snakes found in my region... that weren't poisonous. Now in the really real world, serpent handlers are called 'serpent' not 'snake' handlers because they only introduce poisonous snakes into their rituals. I chose these California Kings because they are all the same species but have distinct markers so I could add more than one color or dimension to the piece. They emit beauty, contrast, and interest to the subject without any real danger. This is a very important insight to the way I live my life and who I am. I live out loud but have had my fill of dangerous and reckless choices. My choice is to appreciate every single thing in my life today for what it is, not what might impress someone else. I do things today that I would have never imaged for my life because at a certain angle, in a certain light, when you might feel like crawling out of your skin and doing something that you believe makes you feel alive, these things might seem like a bore. I've found excitement and great joy in things such as gardening, worm farming, hiking, camping, creating, and even cooking! I've opened my eyes to the things around me that deserve to be celebrated but are often overlooked. I've found peace and true happiness in my life through gratefulness. Reckless, and if I may be so bold, dumb-dumb-dummy choices are no longer necessary to make things interesting. If you happen to be someone in that musty old space, the space that needs more drama than peace, the grass is much greener on this side. Take a peeksie. I've mowed a nice little spot in the grass for you beside me.

What happened next...

2011-04-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

Recently I found several of my very first paintings buried in a box that had been hauled around for over 15 years and never opened. Now if you've read my artist profile you are quite familiar with the reason that I began painting in the first place. My heart had been broken and I was lost. I stumbled into this medium quite by accident, and through this incredible gift, I began to find my authentic self again.

A very painful period of my life had ended and I wasn't about to give up and weep in my sugar snaps. What is interesting however is to see where my thoughts were on canvas even though I was not acknowledging or mourning that relationship... I was seething with anger. It's time to be really uncomfortably honest again. This period in my life could have been a serious turning point for me without a way to express myself. I was finally a member of the 'angry, bitter, girls club'. I had watched my entire life as every single woman in my family chose losers to give themselves to over and over again. These were strong, funny, interesting, unique, women, and each one of them were lousy pickers. They began to put the men in their lives above themselves, above each other, and even above their children. They gave who they were away but didn't take any responsibility for the disastrous relationships themselves. Of course growing up in this dynamic you begin to believe as they did that it wasn't their fault. That these men were all that was left in the pool and while they may not be perfect men, they all had a few good traits that you just didn't puff your nose up at. After all, a good man is impossible to find. The truth is, there are amazing, incredible, kind, adventurous, loving, men in the world who will put you on a pedestal, but you have to be in love with yourself first before you will ever be able to see them. Relationships, partnerships, and love are not a game, they are a gift.

So anyhooters, I was in the men suck vortex and I didn't acknowledge it. I'm fine, your fine, casual-dasual, and I continued to date. If you dated me the first several years after my broken heart and things didn't pan out, just know that in that space, in that time, it never, ever, ever, was going to work out. Down deep, I was sure all men were big jerk faces There were just varying degrees of jerk face. I came across this painting and it is very apparent (to me) what space I was in.

JT was my first exclusive bf after the broken heart and in this relationship, he gave me really healthy room to grow and BEcome. Of course instead of seeing that was a good thing, I took that to mean he was indifferent about where we were going which also meant from the time I decided this, we had tons of space between us. I just didn't have anything left in my world for monkey business so I hopped on my Huffy bike and started to scoot on out of there before I even arrived. Now, none of these observations about JT were the truth. Remember, I was coming from a place of angry and crazy. So to make myself feel better, I painted JT and his cat... his stoopid cat and not surprisingly during this period all of my male figures were painted nude, JT included. I gave them all big ol' wang-a-dang-dangs because it is the strongest symbol that differentiates Us. Us against Them. Good against Evil. Right against Wrong. And you look at it, and you study it, and you say to yourself "Really? This painting of a dood and his cat is about all that?" And I'll tell you that it is, and perhaps if you're stuck in that whirlwind of anger yourself you can shed some light on your own issues and take responsibility for your choice of partner. You can learn to value yourself and to love yourself, and hopefully become a better picker. Perhaps you'll be able to see the anger that puts a wall between you and someone amazing, and when that person finally comes into your life you can take a deep breath, give yourself a big ol' hug, and jump in with both stilettos.

What could it hurt? My thoughts about God and religion...

2011-04-04T21:29:00.000-07:00

It's usually not something I do with strangers, talk about religion or politics. I have lost friends along the course of my life because I may not have the same truth or share the same convictions. I've been told by wonderful people that I'm going somewhere unthinkable when I croak simply because I don't believe in the same story that they do. I'm a creature who believes in the freedom of speaking your mind, having honest debates, duking it out until at the very minimum both parties see where the other is coming from, but always keeping an open mind and listening, always looking for a middle-ground, and never making things personal. I believe the big duke out is necessary to move forward and I never get my feelings hurt because for me, there is no RIGHT answer. Truth is a funny thing. Attachment to your individual truth is even funnier.

I suppose before I go further I should clarify a few things. Just like you and every human being on this planet, I have beliefs. It doesn't mean that I'm right. It also doesn't mean that I'm wrong. It simply means that I have beliefs and have applied my very own mad set of rules to my life based on those beliefs. For instance, I believe in love. I am madly in love with love and don't believe anything is real or successful without it. I believe that if you want to make things better, if you want to make a good life, you have to approach your entire life with love and, you also have to be flexible and forgiving.

I also believe in choice. I believe that who you want to be is a choice. Who-You-WANT-to-BE is a choice. It is my belief that you can't be coerced into evil or tricked into doing things that are wrong. Unless you have a bona fide mental issue you know in your guts the difference between right and wrong. You are in charge of choosing your path. You can justify it however you like but in your guts you KNOW if it is a good, pure, honest choice or if it is something you simply want to do. In the same breath (I know, its a big one) it is my belief that you can't be a pure and righteous soul while condemning others to burn in a fiery pit for not believing in the same story. Most religions, all with very different beliefs, are sure that their way is the truth. Most would be willing to die for their truth, even kill for their truth. And I wonder to myself if this is the way, the truth, the light, what's waiting for us all on the other side?

Now for the kicker. I'm going to throw it in and because I'm so careful not to offend anyone and their personal beliefs, you might not believe what I'm about to tell you. I ABSOLUTELY believe in God. I've been with God. He has moved through me and I know he exists. I'm not at all a religious person, but I am spiritual. Because this blog is my soap-box and my way of sharing my life with whatever lone soul might be out there, I'ma tell you a little story about how God and me got straight.

I was 20 or 21 and was managing a clothing store at the time, and there was this boy who was giving me trouble. He sold pogs in a booth outside of the store and he wouldn't go out with me. Now I was more intrigued with the fact that he wouldn't go out with me then in the actual boy himself, so I did what any young, healthy girl would do, I kept chasing him. I finally I wore him down and he agreed to go out with me if I went to church with him. Hmmmm? I asked "Do they kiss in church?" I'm pretty sure he was terrified of our agreement.

Well Sunday came and it was officially date day! I put on my best platform shoes and mini skirt, and made sure my hair was did with loooong red extensions. I was smokin' and I was getting that smooch! We made it to church and nothing spectacular happened the first 3/4 of the show. I goofed around, and he worshiped. Then... suddenly God moved through me. Things that I had done up to that point that I had remorse for but were buried came to the surface, and I couldn't cork it. I had absolutely no control of the the thing. I cried like a little baby and darn it, I forgotten who's company I was in AND completely forgotten my smooch! How could this be? I was lost in the love that filled me. God didn't talk to me, he didn't need me to convert or to confess, nor did I feel that the preacher or the religion itself had anything to do with why God was there. God was there absent of religion. He was there to sit with me... and we sighed together. It was the most amazing moment. Now if you happen to be an atheist and/or a scientist, (God help you... haha!) you could rationalize my entire story and I would be just fine with it. Why? Because I KNOW God exists you see. That wont ever change for me. For me, there is no scientific explanation for what I feel in my heart every day however, I will never argue that if we don't share the same beliefs that you must be wrong. This is my truth and by God, I'm stickin' to it :)

So there you have the cake. Frosting is optional and I prolly won't get down in the dirty cat box and give you my complete whats what... UNLESS that is you bring your best discussion points to the table, you promise to be open and honest, to not get your feelings hurt, be ready for the duke out, and bring a case of beer to the BBQ. And who knows, we both may be completely wrong.

The Steves

2011-03-18T07:40:00.000-07:00

The Steves

The Steves began as a painting to amuse my husband who is an avid fisherman. Anything that has anything ever to do with a fish, he's on board and I have his full attention. I'm a bit of a circus performer when it comes to my husband and do all that I can to wrangle as much attention from him as possible. He's super mellow and chill and I'm excitable and dramatic. My attention span is everywhere and everything is interesting and requires closer inspection. He's very cautious, introspective, and grounded. We balance each other well, and know by now the tricks to each other's hearts... his is fish, mine is anything that moves or is shiny :)

So the outline for The Steves began, and as each fish reared its gorgeous head, each fish was slightly different. I have to tell you that repetition bores me. To paint the same fish over and over again was a challenge and a bit of a struggle for me and yet, this is one of my very favorite paintings. As the faces, lips, and eyes of each fish were revealed, they each had a different expression and I went with it. It became really fun seeing what daub of paint was going to change the expression on which fish. By now The Steves were talking to me.

I began thinking about sameness of species and schooling. These traits are also seen in human beings, and when each fish's personality began to show through, it became clear that this painting is really about my definition of 'conformity'. How a group of something exactly the same species, doing exactly what it needs to to survive in the world and thrive, can still hold it's very own individual personality. Most of my yout I had vastly different ideas about what it meant to "conform" and what it meant to be "my authentic self". Both of those ideas were pretty skewed and until many years ago, I didn't think it was possible to do both and be happy. Many times I daydreamed about running away from the really real world and becoming a traveling, Bohemian, gypsy-est artist. How it would feel to wake up each day with the sun, be grateful for everything around me, and get to work on something creative, something that was completely my idea, and working only under my rules, oh yeah and to never ever wear high heels for work, or what I like to call my "monkey suit" again... yeeeah. I know.

So here is what it boils down to. You have the absolute power to be your authentic self everyday, all the time you just have to alter your perspective. Just because you like loud prints and bright colors, it doesnt mean you have to dress like a 16 year old. You can buy fun, colorful, beautiful pieces and work them into your wardrobe (think leopard print- anything!). Just because you want a house, or a car, or a pet, it doesn't mean you have to sacrifice all of your freedom. These things actually give you freedom in other ways. Just because you love to create, it doesn't mean you can't make your paying job your very own and use your creativity to your advantage. If you like to hike, or dance, or sing, or whatever, why not let your co-workers and even your boss know about your pure joys? You spend at least 40 hours a week with each other, why wait to be happy with yourself and your life until you get home? Besides, people are much more interesting when they are more then you expect them to be. Why show someone your marionette when you can still present and offer the same knowledge and expertise, but be authentic and human? It is my opinion we compartmentalize so much that we forget to just be, and just be... with each other. The Steves have it figured out. Roll with the pack, but know that why you're rollin' you can still be your own fish.

You're beautiful...

2011-03-10T18:33:00.000-08:00

It's been a whirlwind lately, although as a sit and think things over, it seems to me that the last time I remember it NOT being a whirlwind was sometime last spring. I have a lot of interests, a lot of grand ideas, and a lot of constantly changing 'master plans'. I have priceless relationships with family, friends, and furry-faced children that need lots of love and attention to ensure they grow strong and healthy and flourish. I have household dynamics that change and morph and need gentle care and tweaking so that everyone in my household is striving for the same goals and know that they are loved and appreciated every day. I have a really real job whose 'challenges' spill over into my dreams, and although the stress level is high at times I am grateful every day to be working and thriving. And certainly in the top 10, I have the need to make sure I see what I require emotionally so that I can manage the whole enchilada. I'm sure that you understand where I'm coming from. We all have these challenges and we are all unique in our assessment of how to proceed with our lives.

Sometimes in our own whirlwinds we forget that we are all connected to each other. We all go through the very same things only the players and the playgrounds are different. Human beings are complex creatures. We live very intricate lives with lots of different dimensions and somehow, we are able to cut off an entire planet of beings just like us. We can compartmentalize our worlds and our individual issues and make them unique to us alone. We actually have to make up games about things around us to be present to anything outside of our individual little worlds! For example, when I'm driving I like to make up stories about the people I pass by. I try to be present to the fact that they are human beings just like me and imagine what struggles they might be going through, who their families are to them, what angst they've created for themselves, and when they are with loved ones, I look to see how they love. I think of how much we love our own individual groups of people, our families, our friends, and some random stranger has the same amount of love for an entire different group of people! They love their groups and individuals in these groups. They see their peeps for their uniqueness, and appreciate all their wonderful qualities just as we do with the individuals in our groups. It's strange to me that there are so many of us roaming around, and for the most part our realities don't intertwine. It's odd that we can get on a crowded bus, be in an airport, or walk into a mall, and never intimately interact with another soul. We can live completely separate lives from all of the other people who move around us.

With all of this to consider, think of your individual issues. How you might feel alone some days, inadequate, overwhelmed. How you might tell yourself untrue things about yourself, your choices, or your life. Think about all of the rest of us who aren't even in your realm that have the same exact thoughts on any given day. Think about the love you have for your family, your friends, and imagine your neighbor having the exact same feelings about his or her 'people'. These are the things that make us all beautiful, complex, irrational, loving, nutso, human beings. Each one of us is powerful inside our very own worlds. Each one of us has the power to step outside even for just a moment and acknowledge another fellow human being for his or her unique qualities and beauty. There doesn't have to be a monumental event in order to feel compassion for another human being. Whatever you might be going through that makes you put your head in your hands at night, or makes you sigh with sadness or even contentment or joy, is not unique to you. Imagine what it might feel like if someone reached outside of their realm to acknowledge you for your fabulosity. Imagine how you might feel reaching out to another. It is one of the most completely fulfilling experiences around and it only takes a tiny smidge of effort.

Chicago Aphrodite...

2011-02-28T18:11:00.000-08:00

Next up, Chicago Aphrodite. I figured I'd put Miss Lady up next because I do paint a lot of brothers and sisters and a lot of people who've never met me, end up surprised that I'm not an Afro-dite myself. It's time that I stepped on up and clarified why I love to paint the brothers and sisters.

Aphrodite began as a painting for a gorgeous mixed race brother who lives in Chicago and I wanted to incorporate both his physical uniqueness and the flair of his location in the piece. This friend of mine allowed me a small glimpse into his upbringing and it was so similar to experiences I had growing up, that what I wanted to create was clear.

Aphrodite was originally a three panel piece with Blue, Daddy Jack and Baby Girl. The three actually looked much better as individual pieces so that's how I kept them. All three of these pieces are Chi-Town hipsters you might find riding the rail after hours. Its funny because while the premise for each of these pieces are the same, the story behind each character is very different. Another reason to keep the panels separate.

Now lets get on with Miss Lady Chicago Aphrodite. I've mentioned before that my Mom was a single mom and making ends meet was really tough in the 70's and 80's on a single woman's income. Divorce and single parent families were increasing rapidly and young women with small children had to figure out how to survive- quickly. The apartment complex we lived in consisted mostly of single mother families all struggling to make a life for themselves and their children. There were kids all over the neighborhood of all different ages, of all different backgrounds and races, and the majority of us were latch-key. A child's age didn't matter so much as long as when the school bus dropped you off, you could open your own front door and put your book bags down. Those of us who lived in the neighborhood never thought this was strange or scary because there were always either older brothers and sisters hanging around, or moms who worked night-shift still home when we got out of school. We all sort of floated from corner to house to house to playground to house to corner. It sounds naive now but all the kids and the parents felt safe enough with the arrangement.

It was at this apartment complex that I met one of my best friends in elementary school "Tee" at the school bus stop. I was pretty sure "Tee" was the coolest girl I ever met. She was so right on right on that I couldn't hang with her at school because I was a dork (HA!) but after school we were secret bff's. We sang love songs to Superman posters, bowled in my closet, and pretended we were Diana Ross on my kitchen table. Of course she looked more like Diana Ross then I did. I remember clearly the first time I saw her hair being combed out. It was soft and fluffy where mine was straight and limp. I used to think if I had that soft, fluffy hair, I would wear it super big so that it would look and feel just like a cloud.

"Tee's" house was a different then mine too. She had a little sister who was always goofing around, there was lots of noise and visitors. Her mom "Sheila" liked to dance in the living room to Soul Train and do the booty bump with the girls. There was color everywhere and the house was always spotless. Someone was always ironing and everything got ironed so even when the girls put on play clothes they always looked super clean and put together. That made such an impression on me that today even though I HATE ironing, and even though my husband giggles and scoffs, I still iron my pajamas. There was complete girl power fabulosity in that house and it was addicting. The vibrancy and life that I was invited to share with my gf and her family filled me with joy and belonging at an age where I was very lonely and disconnected.

Chicago Aphrodite is Sheila, super fly, super fab, and dy-no-mite. Of course ultimately, each of my paintings are about me right? Chicago Aphrodite is also the woman I've become and sometimes in the morning when my hair if soft and fluffy I scrunch up the roots and shake my head around reveling in its bigness, softness, and complete fabulosity. Little side note about the half and half fro color, a little stab at beautiful to an Aphrodite who is now nearly 50% grey.

Lil' Miss Patriot

2011-02-11T18:14:00.000-08:00

Well Lil' Miss Patriot seems to be a good place to start explaining this little thing I do. I absolutely LOVE this piece. So much so that... I've kept the original. Sssshhhhhh, its a secret. Throughout the years I suppose Lil' Miss Patriot has made a name for herself. I've been asked if I would sell her many times but the price has never been high enough for me to part with her so I took her out of the gallery circuit after only two shows. I've become her care-taker and I love her.

Now part of this blogging thing about my artwork is to get over the fear that I'm going to freak someone out by sharing my thoughts, or make someone uncomfortable because they can't sit with my honesty. Its not a big deal what I'm going to share here, its not a big production, and really its not very scandalous but... it will be honest. The cool thing is that you can read allllll about it and I'll never know you were here. You have no obligations to say anything comforting or supportive, and no guilt about knowing very personal things about me. Our relationship doesn't have to change at all!

It took a good long while for things to become clear for me about LMP (Lil' Miss...). Why did I love her? Why was I keeping my owning her a secret? My usual perspective on my artwork is that if you love it, you should own it. It doesn't belong to me. But LMP is different. I own her... she's mine. Why the attachment? It all became clear one day, and I'm not really sure why it was that day in particular because it wasn't the first time I'd been asked, but the question came up from no where and punched me in my wonder bread "Is that you?" Well I'll be. It sure is.

LMP is so personal to me because she's a mix of what I always dreamed of being and who I actually was as a child. When I was 5 years old, my mom and the man I knew as my Dad got divorced. It was no love lost. He was mean and abusive, cold and indifferent, he knocked my Mom around a lot and even broke my nose once for getting in his way of the T.V. These are my memories of him, but... he was my Dad. When my Mom and I moved out of his big house, he picked up a new family almost immediately. He gave all my toys to his new daughter, and eventually stopped wanting to see me at all. It was a very lonely feeling. I felt like I wasn't worthy enough to be loved by him. His new daughter looked very much like LMP. LMP is visually the girl I always wished I was and the real punch in the cookie is visually, she's who I became as an adult.

There is more... of course. I was raised then by a single Mom who always had at least two jobs to make ends meet. I didn't have a lot of friends, no brothers and sisters, our family lived far away, and my Mom was always worn out. Much of my childhood was very lonely. I used my imagination to fill up space. I think that's where a lot of my creativity comes from. Eventually, I was just really comfortable being imaginative and strange. When our circumstances changed and my geekdom eased, well, I was no longer a cootie producer but I was still imaginative and strange. LMP and most of my paintings of children are singles, in their own spotlight, in their own orbit, and alone with their individual fabulosity. I've come to realize that I keep LMP near me because I want to keep her safe and loved.

So there you have it. My big squishy loopy soft brain concocted the Creator and protector who sees the children in their strangeness and loves them. Who recognizes their fabulosity and respects their solo performances. Who doesn't expect them to be anything more amazing then they already are, and who keeps them safe from indifference. I know, I know. I'm a big ol' soap box preacher of getting past your past, but first you have to open up your guts and let the truth come out. I love her even more because I finally understand her... and the truth shall set me free.

Throwing it out there...

2011-02-10T07:25:00.000-08:00

Up to this point, my blog has allowed me to blub and glub all over the place without any real direction. I've been able to squeak open a few personal doors and get a few blogs under my belt so that I wouldn't be so nervous about sharing my thoughts. Sharing yourself with a single person one-on-one is usually not too difficult, but hanging your panties out in the sun in front of God and anyone who happens along is quite another thing all together. It's never been that I've been afraid to share. The truth is, I'll share even my deepest darkest secrets with a stranger. I don't have any shame in my game, and the people who share my world with me know that I'm not a shy guy. I'm not embarrassed by my past, my present, or my future. I'm not afraid of being judged or criticized, in fact, I rarely even think of such things. I'm comfy in my own skin so it's quite easy for me to share anything and everything HOWEVER, not a whole lot of folks are comfy with such honesty and I do try to respect that. We've been taught to keep our personal things to ourselves because it imposes some sort of obligation on our listener to get close to us if it's a personal share. I'm not sure I really understand that completely(?) I don't think there is really a better way to be with people. I'm not talking about dumping all over everyone, I'm talking about sharing yourself honestly... all the time... with no running conversation in your head- it will set you free! I don't see the point of wasting what little time we have with each other being inauthentic, hiding ourselves, and sharing simple, bland, courtesies and niceties. Time ticks by and when its over, there are no do-overs.

So now that I've become a pre-seasoned blogger and know what to expect from myself, I can begin to post more about my artwork, what it means to me, how I got started, and my inspiration. For example, something happened to me when I first began showing my artwork that still freezes me in my tracks. I was asked the golden question of all artists "What is the meaning behind this piece?" It was a very personal piece called "Round 28" and a gentleman at the gallery was interested in purchasing it. I was elated. My very first professional gallery prospect! I proceeded to tell my potential buyer the meaning behind the piece, I threw angst from my heart, poured out my soul... and he said "Oh... hm... it's not really what I thought it was." and he left... :/ Needless to say not only did I throw the off switch on and began to hide what my artwork and individual pieces mean to me in conversations, but I even hid the meaning from myself. I hear all the time, "This must be a painting of you?!" and I usually say "??REALLY?? I don't think so?". I've sat with that weird question mark for some time now and finally figured out why this keeps happening. I blamed myself for throwing a sale because I thought I was too honest and scared my potential buyer away and it could still be true however, my artwork is a release of me. I don't paint for other people and I know this to be true because nothing I've ever painted matches the couch. When this event happened, I hid my truth away even from myself because I didn't want anyone else to be uncomfortable with it. I didn't want them to have to feel embarrassed because they liked it for a completely different reason then why I painted it. I didn't want anything to be awkward between us when I was attempting to give something pure. I began to give a different answer to this frequently posed question so that I could have peace with it, "I just thought it was pretty. I'm really not that deep." It's not until I began really looking at some of my older stuff that I realized that each piece WAS about me. Each piece has some hidden meaning that only becomes clear when I sit with it and let it remind me. The paintings have become very much like a dream.

So I've decided that I'm going to throw a few pieces in my blog here and there and explain them. I'm going to sit with them, and write about them, and let them tell me, tell you, how they came to be. Keep an eye out, and if something catches your eye and then it doesn't, perhaps something else wont... and then will!

I just can't do it!

2011-02-04T17:41:00.000-08:00

Have you said to yourself on more than one occasion, 'I must be ridiculous. I just can't (insert action).' or 'I don't know what it is but I'm no (insert profession).'Must be genetics.' The simply truth is that you can do or be anything that you want, you just have to take the time.

Think of something you've resigned to the fact that you can't do. Cook perhaps, fix things around the house, be artistic or creative, build or put something together. It is a choice to plow through a task and fail however, its also a choice to take your time and allow what your looking for to be clear. Usually failure is the result of boredom, impatience, or disinterest, which then allows us to fall back on the belief that we were just not designed to do such things, best to pass this along to someone better genetically equipped.

This subject might not be something that you've ever considered. Why would it be? Once we resign to a belief that we can't do something, it just becomes the way it is. Generally, if there is no immediate solution and we have no interest in the action, we become bored and just quit. Years will go by and we will state with conviction over and over that we are strangely incapable of completing (insert your action here). Take art for example. I hear so often, 'I can't do that'. Really, I can do it, because I love to do it. My very first attempts we're hilarious, but I kept growing, and learning, and trying, because it fulfills me and I love it. Now think of something you are good at, something you succeed in. When we love something, it has value and we take the time to do it right. Your 'thing' gives you personal value and you succeed because it matters to you. Even if it takes hours to get right.

Here's an example of what I'm talking about. This past year I've given myself a shove in the behind and have begun to cook. In the 115 years I've been on this planet, I've only cooked a few handful of meals... well. I've never liked it. It doesn't interest me. I get bored, and rush through a recipe and if I need an ingredient that I don't have, I improvise. A lot. If I like two or three recipes, I'll mix em'. I can tell you that until I forced myself to pay attention, to settle down and be patient, I was a really awful cook. Because I took on this challenge, not only have I become a really good cook, but it also became clear why I hated it. I don't like being alone when I cook, and I don't like having someone else in the lead while I'm... waiting. Just waiting for something to do. So, I kicked myself in the behind and wrangled my Mom into being my co-chef. Amazingly, cooking has become something I really enjoy! I get to spend quality time with my mom. We laugh, we kid, we work together, and we COOK. Imagine the things you could do if you just settled down took your time, figured out what was so distasteful and uninteresting about it... and perhaps you'd find out that not only can you be good at it, but you might also like it. And don't forget the feeling of accomplishment you get from dispelling your story!

So to make a long blog post short, remember this, if you are not willing to tolerate your discomfort long enough to analyze the action, you are destined to fail. You have every ability to accomplish as much as those you admire you just have to have the patience and ambition to succeed. If you still don't believe there is any truth in this post, participate in your own experiment. Take as long as it takes, sit with it, analyze it, take your time to work through it. You might just be surprised at the outcome.

Life is difficult man...

2011-01-31T18:09:00.000-08:00

It's a simple truth yet so many people either don't see it, or refuse to believe it. Here it is, no holding back... Life is difficult man. If you can wrap your head around it, if you can accept it as a fact, if you can back away from your everyday thinking that life should be simpler, easier, and somehow you got the short end of the stick, well you can move past it and it doesn't matter anymore. Life is just a series of problems and solutions. Some people dwell on the unfairness of it all as if they are the only ones who ever got a parking ticket, been hit with a bill before payday, had a car break down, lost a loved one, or developed a sickness. Let me reiterate, life is difficult man.

I suppose it might be helpful to look at why it can be so tough to deal with the various problems that life throws your way. It actually is a human survival technique embedded in our brains to do whatever we must do to be comfortable. The process of confronting and solving problems can be very uncomfortable, sometimes even very painful.

So the very first thing you need to put in your pipe and smoke is the acceptance that life is difficult. Smoking it? Good! The next thing to do is to take responsibility for your problems. These problems are yours, and it is up to you to solve them. Tough pill to swallow? Well, life is difficult man.

It's very hard to listen to someone complain about how other people are to blame for their problems. Even in the instances where this may be true, you are the only person in charge of your life, your happiness, and your problems. Your problems won't be solved as long as you make excuses, 'this problem was caused by someone else!', 'there were circumstances beyond my control!', 'its so unfair!' 'you don't understand, what would you have me doooo?!'. No matter how much you believe you are a victim in the world of problems, that you are a unique case, or that you suffer more than most, it is not up to other people to solve your problems for you. Time to put on your big girl panties and grab a shovel. Hitch up them britches and get to work because tomorrow, that's right, they'll be even more problems. Problems don't go away if you blame others or try to ignore them. Instead a new day dawns with a brand new set of problems and because you did nothing about the broccoli on your plate today, tomorrow you have broccoli AND Lima beans. If you chose to ignore your problems another day, add some creamed okra. It's easy to see how some days seem to be 'too much'. But I digress, the simple truth shall set you free. Its time to grow up, take responsibility, and stop pretending that you have no power of choice. What can I say, life is difficult man.

Identity crisis'es's...

2011-01-18T18:56:00.000-08:00

I thought this would be a great post because of all the hub-bub surrounding the 'new astrological sign'- Ophiuchus. I'll start by saying that the astrological sign I've always known, Taurus, has personality traits that never really seemed anything like me. I'm sure that I'm not the only misfit astro sign who tried many, many years to interpret the personality traits so that they fit neatly inside my little ME box. I do have friends who are deeply into astrology (shout out Viv!) and with the arrival of Ophiuchus it became clear to me why I never got into it. Not only are my personality traits 'off', but my relationship is supposed to suck too and I've been happily married for 106 years! So I poo-pooed the whole idea. Never once did I want to get a bull tattoo.

Here's where it gets interesting, insert the hub-bub. Just out of curiosity I decided to look up what the personality traits of my new astro sign were, Aries. It was like a light went on and the heavens opened up just for me. I WAS an Aries! Of course, for sure, and EUREKA! Angels began singing and I was wrapped in a hug of familiarity. Finally. I be-longahed! OK. Its a little dramatic, but it's how I roll.

So I got a little excited and wanted to share my new found ram-i-oneness with my pals. Lets just say the reaction was not at all what I expected. I could not believe how many people were hatin' little Ophiuchus! Because I had never in my whole life related to my astro sign I was a bit confused. Why so attached? Up in arms and defying the very existence of an entire constellation? What gives? And then I felt it... the little ping of fear that my sweet Aries would be taken away from me. If others deny the constellation Ophiuchus, well what did that mean for me?! They just couldn't do it! They would have no choice. They would HAVE to accept Ophiuchus with open arms. You can't just decide that an entire constellation doesn't count! Well, I took a step back and really looked at the thing. There are certain facts that aren't ever supposed to change... no matter what. Your astro sign is for certain. It's a part of who you are and is an rigid fact of your identity. Nobody can take it from you, ta-da, and the-end. The funny thing is, there are probably just as many people who don't relate to their astro sign as those who do. Those who never had that connection could care less if their astro sign changes because it never meant anything. To us, it was a bunch of hocus-pocus (no offense believers!). BUT, if you had a connection to something your whole life and suddenly you are TOLD to do what many of us have done forever and try fit your NEW personality traits inside your little ME box, well, it probably isn't going to work out so well. You will most certainly suffer a mini identity crisis. I guess the thing to learn here is that the only thing that can never be taken from you is YOU.

And the big wrap up. I did my non-bias research. Checked out the skinny from reliable news sources, and while I would post what I found here, I suppose that no matter what I post and from who the source is, the point would be mute if its not what you are looking for. Reality is one's own idea, yes even if you are a scientist! If it means that you have to search for those who have opinions that agree with yours, then that's what you should do! It's what we all do. Its even how we choose our friends. Really, are you close friends with anyone who's ideas and opinions are radically different from yours? Of course not! It's a good day to be right :)

And now I'll end this post with something that I found to be really hi-larious, but if you are attached to your astro sign you probably wont think so (as I've found out the hard way *wink!*). This new greeting card is strictly for all of my misfit astro-peeps who never put much weight into astrology because the connection was off. Ahem... and the greeting card goes a little something like this (I found it's even funnier with an English accent) "I'm sorry to hear that your new astrological sign has rendered your tattoo meaningless."

What you think changes nothing except your world...

2011-01-11T17:32:00.000-08:00

I'm always questioning, always searching, always looking for the little signs that threaten my happy existence. If a shady thought enters my mind or a ping of anger hits my heart, if I become impatient or irritable, unreasonable or defensive, I know I have to take a step back. Usually the upset is not about what is obvious. Usually the upset is a collapse of things, one thing piled on top of another which takes your sweet little molehill and masterfully crafts it into a giant mountain. Take a moment to think about this. You usually aren't hoping mad and ready to hit the ceiling if someone cuts you off on the freeway. This is just a moment in your mountain. This is the story you take home and vent about to your wife, the reason you tell your kids to give you some space because you had a tough day. Generally though, the guy who cut you off on the freeway is what some like to call 'the icing on the cake'. This is a very simple concept but its not a complete understanding, not yet.

So lets take these moments and dissect this crazy mountain. A series of events happen every single day. Some days you declare 'good', some days 'bad', some days 'nothing monumental, just another day'. What really makes a good day, or a bad day? Well you do of course but you don't begin deciding until something happens that you can put on your mountain as 'personal'. Do you ever wonder why everyone has their own thoughts about the levels of good and bad? Why for example could you not tolerate someone who would insult your mother but if they stole from you you would be able to forgive them eventually? Why does your bff believe staunchly in the death penalty but you are sure that its a desperate act against humanity? Lets go political... do you think the health care plan is a good idea but your roommate thinks the world will go to go to war over the issue because it does more harm then good? Its going to get tricky now, buckle your seat beat and hold on firmly to your family jewels.

The first thing to understand is that everyone has an opinion. If you really think long and hard about it, no one person is right about anything. If I believe that you are a jerk face for cheating on your wife and get riled up about it... nothing monumental changes. If your wife decides to forgive you for cheating because she loves you... nothing monumental changes. As I write this I'm thinking I should put an exception here about hurting others or causing others physical pain but, that's just my deciding whats right and wrong again. Here's an example. If I believe that killing children is deplorable and is an act against (God, the Universe, insert your personal belief here) but many children in other countries are given guns and are trained to kill, is it okay to protect yourself if you are on the other end of the barrel? If these things, and these opinions spill out of each of us each and everyday and nothing monumental changes, why is it so imperative to be right? When laws are passed, one side wins, one side loses and someone is hoping mad, but again nothing monumental changes. If this is true, why do people die protecting their political opinions. Why do we send others to die for a belief, not a fact?

I'm going to nutshell this post so that you don't get lost in my questioning. Deep in your guts you wrongfully believe something about yourself, not smart, not important, etc. What decides a good day or a bad day is the insertion of this belief early in the day. Example, your boss approaches you and asks if you have a presentation that was due earlier in the day (your world changes here...), what you think he/she is saying is 'You must have struggled completing it because you aren't very smart.' From this moment your entire day changes, you hear little digs about yourself all day and they collapse on top of each other. By the time the guy on the freeway cuts you off, you're saying to yourself 'This guy must reaaaaallly think I'm stoopid!' and you're hoping mad. Now let's go the other way, the good day. Same conversation with the boss but you hear 'I really have a lot of confidence in you to have given this presentation project to you. I think you are a really smart person.' WA-LA. Your day has taken a different turn entirely. What I'm getting at is that your thoughts change your day. Your perception about yourself changes your day. The meaning you make out of any situation changes your day. In a nutshell... you change your day so why not make it a good one?

The DNA Ancestry Project

2011-01-05T17:27:00.000-08:00

I got my DNA testing kit from the lab last night. It's time to get jiggy with my roots!

Let me begin by giving you the skinny about this amazing project. The project is a partnership of renowned international scientists and researchers. The really cool thing about it is that they don't use birth records, death records, or family trees where the information was collected via word of mouth. This entire project is actually based on DNA and will trace as far back as 50,000 years ago when our ancestors migrated out of Africa into the rest of the world! Studies have shown that we all share a common ancestor who lived in Africa 50,000 to 200,000 years ago and when our peeps migrated and generations passed, mutations in the various tribes can actually be found in our DNA! We can link our particular ancestor to a specific time and place in history.

So tonight I will be swabbing my cheeks for DNA (there's a whole process or I would've already started!). The swabs go to the lab and the testing begins! I will receive a certificate outlining my ancestral markers (On my mother side only. Women do not carry the specific DNA markers of their fathers, so if this interests you and you are female, you will have to have a male family member closely related to your father do the DNA test on your father's side.), and I will be an active participant in the DNA Ancestry Project who's dynamic goal is to show us all not just which part of the world our ancestors hail from, but also what their race was, and where else they have scattered throughout the world. Eventually, I will even be able to find out if I descended from any famous lines! Click on this link to read an incredible story about DNA and Marie Antoinette: http://www.dnaancestryproject.com/ydna_intro_famous.php?id=marieantoinette&typ=m

I could really go on and on about all the cool things this study means and what they are doing, but if you are really interested in all the details I would encourage you to go to: http://www.dnaancestryproject.com/index.php to read more about it!

NOW the real question arises and I have already been asked several times, "What does it matter? Why do you care?" I suppose as this process goes along my true desires will surface, and I will be anxious to spill the beans in my heart all over everything. It's inevitable. I think in order to not make this post too long and less likely to be read to the end (wink!) I will drop the giant goose egg, and then in future posts about this project, will pick through the broken shells and examine each one. My desire, and it is a STRONG desire, to know where my true roots come from, stem from the equally fabulous, imaginative, and yes even sometimes frustrating GIFT both sides of my family have inherited. The gift of storytelling. I'm certainly not angry about it, and in fact I'm quite proud most of the time. I don't believe I have ever met a group more talented... on both sides. There are however a few instances when these stories will take wild turns and the truth gets buried under the fabulousity. I'm all for a good story, have even told a few a time or two, but there is something indescribable that happens when you don't know where you're from. I sometimes imagine that grown kids who were adopted have this feeling. Unless you have the loss how could you possibly understand the hole it leaves? So for now I will bow out, but fear not! A new post will be just around the corner...

A post about-cho Daddy...

2011-01-01T15:58:00.000-08:00

This post has been on my mind for a while now and the really strange thing about it is that the subject, and the conversation that inspired it, keep coming up. I had initially hoped to write about this before Christmas, maybe give a friend or two a thought to consider but the holidays are also a really hectic time. Attempting to juggle work, and family, and friends, and hobby's, and bills, and... well, you get the picture.

I guess I should start by telling you about my relationship with my father. I met him when I was 14 years old. I was confused and scared, and because I had never known him, I expected far too much of him. My dad was an artist, an eccentric, had long hair, and a long crazy salt and pepper beard. He was an old hippy, liked to drink (among other things), and was constantly battling 'the MAN'. He was sure the government was cheating him, was a pack rat, had no indoor toilet, talked far too much which of course lead to his listening problem. Shake it all up and put all those things on top of the guilt that goes along with betraying-your-mother-by-having-a-relationship with him. It was a tough road. I finally had my father in my life, but he didn't tell me things like "you should go to college", "marry for love but don't be dumb about it", "you are so smart, you can do anything"... instead, I heard about the fights at city hall against 'the MAN', the 'winter girlfriend', the soup kitchen escapades, and the pack rat finds. As a young girl who needed direction and attention this relationship didn't work for me initially. We talked for a few years, then didn't. Then on again for a few years, then off. I'm not really sure what the trigger was but one day many many years ago I decided I wanted him in my life. I needed my dad. He was a part of me and I loved him. The cool thing about it was that I never had to explain my flip-floppiness to him. I just had to pick up the phone and call. Only once did he ever say anything about it and what he said was "I figured you had some things you needed to work through and when you were ready, you'd call me." And I did.

We spent 15 years getting to know each other. I knew that no matter what, if I wanted him in my life I was going to have to accept him for everything he was and when I dropped the idea of who I thought he should be, I realized, he was freakin' awesome! He was quirky, and strange, and eccentric, and colorful. He was comfortable with who he was and never made excuses for it. He had the best stories, and the strangest adventures, and while it can still be an uncomfortable conversation, my mom knows I would never betray her, I just needed my dad.

So why the fluffy love story? Well, our parents are what the world is to us. We feel like we're struggling most of our lives to feel accepted and loved even if that love is right in our face. We want them to be proud of us even if we're angry with them. They are the only people in our lives that we hold grudges against because they didn't do their best, or they should have done more. They are made responsible for why we have 'issues' today, and made responsible for the way we choose to handle things as adults. The truth is, they are just people like anyone of us. We don't hold the same standards to our friends, or our siblings. Everyone in the world is allowed to be human except our parents. Everyone in the world is forgiven for their eccentricities and even cherished for their quirkiness... except our parents. Everyone else is allowed to make mistakes because they are only human after all... except...

My dad died 2 years ago and when he died, we were complete. We accepted each other and loved each other, and thought each other strange and beautiful. When he died there was nothing between us. I mourned his loss. I still mourn his loss, but I don't carry around any resentment or sadness. In fact, I am proud of who he was. Not many people got him but I can say with absolute certainty, he was his authentic self and I loved him for it.

I'm sharing this story about my father because it has made me really get what the relationship is between us and the two people who brought us into the world. How hard it is sometimes to accept that they aren't perfect, sometimes not even close. That we can enjoy the parents of our friends even when our friends cannot simply because we don't have the same attachment to them. A friend of mine and I had this conversation recently and for years she has been angry with her father, refused to speak to him, and refused to acknowledge any of the good he has in him. After our talk she decided to open a door. To attempt to see the man as he is. To put aside the attachment that she has about who she thinks he should be, and to really get that just because he is her father it doesn't mean that he has to be better or less human then anyone else. It's not going to be an easy build but she made the first step and this holiday season, the two had a breakthrough in their relationship. When she told me about it I wanted to cry. She just decided... and now her life will change.

Let it flow, letcha self go...

2010-12-22T18:57:00.000-08:00

A really good friend of mine and I were chatting yesterday, and what he had to say to me truly surprised me. He actually called me a genius! Now this guy is a sooper star. He's been juggling a demanding career and going to school for his Masters degree... and he thinks I am a genius? Boo boo goofy? Time to find out what's going on here. Apparently he was perusing my FB page and thought to himself "How does she come up with this shyte? Who thinks this shyte up?" It's not anything I had ever thought about really. I just post my random thoughts and see where the conversation leads. Most folks who are reading my blog now, are also FB friends so I don't think I need to explain further... perhaps instead, this blog's photo will sum up my point?

So any hooters (thanks Viv!), my good fella went on to say that he wasn't sure why he wasn't as creative, that perhaps it was his job, or perhaps he wasn't surrounded by creative people... which got me thinking. Could that be? Am I reaaaallly a GENIUS?! Well, the fat about my posts is really very easy and surprisingly un-genius like. I just allow my random thoughts to take over. Until we had our conversation, it had never really dawned on me that most folks don't give way to random, silly thoughts. When posed with the question, my pal agreed that whenever a random, silly thought entered his mind he pushed it away. He didn't acknowledge that it was anything important because in the big boy picture... it wasn't.

Now, here's the thing about random, silly thoughts, they are as important as that afternoon meeting, the bills you have to pay, and the big project at work. The only difference is that random, silly thoughts are good for your soul. They are good for your creative YOU. They inject humor into your life and allow you to ponder the ridiculous which in turn, gives you the freedom to not take yourself, or your life so seriously! So the next time you are crossed with a random, silly thought (which should be any time now) let it flow. See what path you are lead down. What creative shock wave, what fit of giggles, and what surprise is waiting for you. Don't be afraid of being silly. Don't put a wall of fear about what others might think in front of you. Ponder this, ponder that, ponder the little picture. Acknowledge that sometimes its the little picture that makes the bigger difference in your day.

Give yourself a BIG HOORAY!

2010-12-16T17:20:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine and I were chatting yesterday and I was reminded of one of the most unusual ways I've been told to put your importance as a person into perspective. A small piece of truth with a large impact. A spotlight that shines on your absolute awesomeness! I told my friend that he was welcome to spread the word bird and he is under the impression that he actually needs an opening to share this gem! It is my absolute belief that you never need an opening to spread magnificent insight. Sure, the conversational flow might be momentarily interrupted but really, a gem is a gem! Have I provided enough mystery to keep you intrigued? Are you waiting with bated breath for the TRUTH? Are your muscles aching with anticipation? Closer, closer... not yet.

Lets chat about your importance for a moment. Your worth. It has always been hard for me to understand why people frown upon lifting yourself UP, each other, everyone (?) Why is it so important for us to put others in their place? Make sure their ego doesn't over inflate? Bring them back to earth? Why have we made it our job? There are tons of self help books, seminars, therapists, and all because somewhere along the way it stopped being okay to love ourselves. When we were kids it was all about being awesome. "I'm a superhero!", "I'm going to be president!", "I am a princess!" Then something strange happened. The word changed. To love yourself and honor yourself became wrong, big-headed, selfish and egotistical. Time to face the facts. Live in the real world.

I'm happy to say that today, as a grown woman, I have no problem telling the world that I truly love myself and the moment I was able to OWN that statement, the more honest, the more giving, and the more loving I was able to become with others. I sat on the conversation in my head that was running all the time to keep me in check: not good enough, not smart enough, not important, not lovable... it goes on and on. The truth is that once I lost that running commentary, my heart swelled up 1000 times and I was able to love honestly. Little mini hearts popped out of my eyes and I fell deeply in love with my life, everyone I came in contact with, and the gifts of the world! I lift myself up everyday, lift YOU up everyday, be grateful for me, for you, for he and she! I believe every person who you come into contact with is a gift. You just have to be willing to open your heart and see it. Every person who you come into contact with has something to SHARE with you, you only have to listen.

So now, with all of that said I'm going to leave you with the most unusual way I've been told to put your importance as a person into perspective. Give yourself a BIG HOORAY because YOU are amazing! You managed to do something absolutely extraordinary. You were in a race to get here, to live, have life, and you beat out MILLIONS. YOU were the fastest swimmer! For those who in a fit of anger say "I never asked to be here", well my friend, that's not so true is it? You FOUGHT for it. You pushed and shoved, and squealed WOO HOO(!) all the while with your eye on the big prize. You should still live your life that way.

So now that we're in the celebrating YOU zone, take a look around. While you are most certainly amazing, incredible, and super fantastic... every living thing on this planet did exactly the same thing. Each life fought for it and beat out millions. Take a moment to really get how awesome the life is around you too. This life is a gift, and giving YOURSELF a high-five is just the beginning to really appreciating all of it.

Be happy

2010-12-14T18:39:00.000-08:00

"True contentment with who you are as a person, is being able to stand alone and still be happy."

A friend of mine posted this quote as her profile status today, and it really made me think about specific events that have occurred in my life, and choices I've made along the way that have shaped my outlook on everything! It made me remember that defining moment when I and said "Well, this isn't going to go over very well but that is IT. I can't make anyone like me or love me, be proud of me, or think I'm awesome. I'm not happy trying to please other people who I've chosen to keep in my life, and who they think that I should be is just not who I am or even WANT to be... besides, it's exhausting! I took a stand for my life 20 years ago, and it was a life changing choice. The really cool thing is that once I made the choice, I was able to see the open doors, the forks in the road, and the blocks that I had put in front of me. The only way I can explain it is that things became clear. I knew that I was the guy in charge of the choice. Which way I was going to turn, what doors I was going to walk through. I was open to being taught. I was open to possibility. Of course everything became even more obvious after attending a Landmark Education seminar... but that is, another post for another day :)

So here's the weird thing. Many people don't know happiness can be achieved and is a conscious choice. First thing first. Let GO. Let go of the need to be right and open yourself up to possibility. Anything you want IS possible. What changes are the moves and maneuvers to achieve the outcome you want, and your attitude to believe that it is possible.

Second thing is that you will never, ever, please everyone. Many times, you may not even please anyone! You have complete authority over your happiness. It is nobody else's job, or duty to fulfill you. If you take ownership of your happiness an amazing thing happens, you have the framework to change your life and your outlook.

Thirdly, be true to yourself. Be the authentic person that you were born to be! There is nothing more honest. You can't be amazing for anyone else until you can be amazing to you. Authenticity is like a deep breath. A little scary at first...and then... ahhhhhh.

Fourth, things that have already occurred will not change, but you can. You aren't the keeper of things that have already happened. You are not in charge of the woes of yesterday. Today should be your priority.

Last thing and most important, be grateful. Be grateful for everything and everyone in your life, of all that you have or have been given, all that you share and receive. If you concentrate on Grace, even the very big hurdles are managable. Take note of all the things in your life that you are grateful for, big and small. Never take for granted the life you've been given. It's a gift. It's a choice, and everything is possible.

What is the purpose?

2010-12-13T17:08:00.000-08:00

Today's Grace card is VISION: Pay attention. There are signs, symbols, and messages placed in our path to guide us in the right direction.

For those who don't know what Grace cards are this is an oportunity for me to share! I was very fortunate to find a friend who travels the same soul nourishing path as I. This amazing, powerful, force of nature turned me on to Grace cards and ever since I first laid eyes on them, I've kept a stock in my hat and scarf drawer so that whenever the opportunity presented itself I was ready to share this gift!

This might sound coo-coo at first but I only ask you to listen. Open your heart to the possibility of what I'm going to share with you. This message exisits in every religion, including those that place their beliefs in the earth or the universe instead of a higher being. Sometimes however, this message gets lost in the struggle to BE RIGHT. Have you ever noticed that the harder you struggle and fight against what is laid out before you, the more difficult your life becomes? What if you were to put aside the struggle and let go? Allow the path that is laid out before you to be your guide. Perhaps at first sight you might disagree with where the path appears to lead but be assured, this energy always has your best interests at heart. When you open yourself up to its influence, you’ll begin to see the signs, symbols, and messages that are placed in your path to lead you in the right direction.

What are Grace cards then? Grace cards are beautiful, artfully designed cards that are used as a practical way of working with this energy. You just close your eyes, concentrate on a particular thought that is placing a block in your life, then choose a card. Open yourself up to possibility. If you follow the message and follow your open path, resources will appear, and what you have been struggling with will become clear. You can find grace cards here:

http://www.amazon.com/Grace-Cards-Cheryl-Richardson/dp/1401906206/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1292272249&sr=8-1

If you'd like to give it a whirly whirl before you try the cards, here is link to an online version:

http://www.cherylrichardson.com/

If you were curious as to the question I asked to recieve the message of VISION today it was this: I'm still struggling with the idea of blogging. I'm not really sure I have anything to say! What is it I'm supposed to do with this? How do I go forward?

So today I followed the path that was laid out in front of me. I paid attention. The message I got was to take this one step at a time. Don't put so much weight into what I THINK it should be. Just go with it and see where it leads :)

Reminders...

2010-12-06T13:25:00.000-08:00

You know the feeling of elation and genuine thankfulness you get when you are reminded of things you really love? Green chili and fried eggs, PB& J's with a cookie cutter stamp, orange slices, deviled eggs, old TV shows like Charlies Angels, and cartoons like Fat Albert? A catchy song on the PA in the grocery store that you want to sing out loud? Bare feet, warm rain, the smell of fresh laundry, fresh cut grass, Christmas pine, and cinnamon sticks? Cookies from the oven, catching a whiff of someone wearing the same perfume your Mom used to wear, or seeing a friend genuinely smile or laugh and knowing that you're the cause. Just thinking about all of these things makes me smile. Makes me want to get back into my husbands loving arms and smell his warm skin, cuddle my puppies and rub my nose in their soft bellies, tell my Mom I love her while she melts with happiness, call my bff and tell her I appreciate her friendship and will do my best to never take her for granted.

Today take a moment to pause and be reminded of the things that bring you happiness. Be grateful for all of the gifts you've been given, love and appreciate the people in your life who support and care for you, just take a moment to pause, and to breathe, and to notice all of the things you've been missing or would have missed if you didn't take the moment.

Not at all as fearful as I thought I was...

2010-12-03T15:58:00.000-08:00

Such a strange thing happened to me on the way to work. I was singing at the top of my lungs, very much into the song that was playing, eyes closed on the really passionate parts, curled upper lip where appropriate, fist drawn into chest with feeling and then... a car pulled up next to me and the guy in the drivers seat started laughing and pointing. And I kept singing. And I kept up the show because it felt good. My soul was singing, my heart was swelling, and I realized... shoot. I'm not as afraid of anything really that I've thought I've been afraid of all along. It's a good story though. To be afraid of spiders, and ghosts, and people laughing at you. Of being posted on some random person's FB page because you're singing out loud with passion in your car, of being abandoned, and being the odd guy out. So tomorrow that little voice might just win but TODAY, I'm giving myself tons of credit for being so brave in the world. For putting my artwork all over the place for others to judge, and perhaps even criticize. For being who I was meant to be in the world and putting myself out there for others to judge and perhaps even criticize. For having the courage to really know who I am and to confront the things in my life that tend to stop me. To recognize when my angst is really about something else and the most obvious upset is the top layer of a collapse, and for sharing my life, all the goodies, even if the openess might seem a little strange and out of place in a world where so many people sit in crowded coffee shops together, work in the same office building, ride the train together, shop in the same grocery store, and even live on the same block yet, ... are still so lonely.

Resolution number one...

2010-12-01T14:29:00.000-08:00

I've decided that I'm going to start my New Years resolutions early and I've got a lot of em'! Why not? I'm feeling anxious to get moving and realized I don't really need a starting line with checkered flags and a pistol to make things happen. These resolutions are not your typical lose 10lbs., become a success, do these things by your next birthday because I'm-too-scared-to-work-on-my-real-issues resolutions. This next Monday start plan extravaganza isn't working for me and I'm wasting each day waiting, waiting... I would assume that the more I open up and share myself I'm going to make some folks uncomfortable. I would say if you are 'that-guy' maybe you skip on to a post that's a little more cozy. I'll have plenty of those too :)

Resolution number one is (drum-roll puhleeze!)- getcho arse in gear and tell your story. Maybe it'll suck a big rotten smelly platypus egg, but maybe, just maybe, it'll put a stamp on things I've been putting off and making excuses for. Maybe I will be able to sit back at the end of a post and say "You get em' Tiger!".

Self depreciating mind chatter

2010-11-30T15:17:00.000-08:00

It's clear when that little voice in your head is larger then the words that you put in the world that its time to take action. I had a weird little encounter with an odd little dream the other night and the interpretation was like a sucker punch in the stomach. One of my biggest fears these days is being-found-out to be not-what-I-project into the world, which goes perfectly hand-in-hand with my primary 'thing' not-good-enough. What the heck IS this mumbo-jumbo you ask? All I can say is that its a lie. Its something I made up a long time ago. Something that I decided explains everything in my life. Something I have to squash at every turn because I KNOW its a lie. Self depreciating mind chatter. Now don't go getting all squishy and weirded out on me, you have at least one too. Dig deep, what is it? Not smart enough? Not worthy? Not important? Not lovable? Invisible? Forgettable? None of these things are true about us. We made them up you see, and they are at the core of what is not working in our lives. They are the cause of our pause if you will. The bricks in the wall that stand tall and tell us to S-T-O-P. Well the best part is, that because its a lie we can change the whole of our reality at any time. So here I write, this scared that it wont-be-good-enough because I'm-not-good-enough, amateur blogger, who just wont give up. I'm giving blogging another shot. Like it or don't, read it or not, agree or disagree, this is my soap box. Cool enough, you're invited to the show.

2010-10-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

... if I havent already turned you on to the secret life of viv, now's my chance. Make this blog your daily go-to for daily inspiration, love, life, LIVING. Nobody tells a life story better and it just so happens, the artist currently known as Tiffany "Boo" Baca is the subject of her latest post.

www.thesecretlifeofviv.com/2010/10/daddy-jack-baby-girl.html

2010-09-29T13:40:00.000-07:00

SUPER excited about this full page ad coming out in the 2010 fall edition of Local Arts Magazine! Orange County Fine Arts association selected only 7 images for this promo piece!

Couple of OCFA promo stamps

2010-04-01T12:03:00.000-07:00

Spark! Newsletter, March 2010

2010-04-01T12:01:00.000-07:00

OCFA newsletter, March 2010

2010-04-01T11:58:00.000-07:00

Event Flyer

2010-02-23T14:36:00.000-08:00

I'm the featured Artist in March!

2010-02-19T11:01:00.000-08:00

I admit it. I'm the worst Blogger in the world. Ironically I'm a kick arse FaceBook poster... maybe it has something to do with my natural talent of slinging one-liners? A one hit wonder! TA-DA!

I'll make another empty promise to try harder for God's sake! Step up! BE the best Blogger you can BE! So many exciting things have been happening with CoffeeMonster Studios, so many things to share! But from this end of things... crickets chirping... in the background... 'chirp'

Here I go. Gonna give this blogging thing another try. Let the past stay in the past, put one foot in front of the other and because you have to start somewhere, I'll start with news from last night!

I was given a 12x3 foot display window in front of the Santora Arts building to dress! Fabulous! I've had this idea for weeks to dress it as a studio theme, add paints and brushes, used art books and a easels. I've been soooo nervous... is it going to turn out ok? Will it be a disaster and I'll have to slink back and return the window key, head hung low? Am I only fabulous in my own mind (more likely a true statement, but I'm ok with that)?

Well... I'll let you decide for yourself, and if anyone wants to know what I REALLY think?? I can only insert exclaimation points, smiley faces and hearts...

2009-12-04T09:01:00.000-08:00

Nomadic Image Red Light District, opening Saturday, December 5th! Producing the finest in sensual, erotic and fetish photography set in a Moulin Rouge-inspired setting which will feature live burlesque dancers at 7:30, 8:15, 9:00, 9:45 and 10:30pm. Live models will also be showcased in the Amsterdam inspired 'Ho-ho-hoing' window.

Location: 207 N. Broadway #B-7, Santa Ana CA 92701

*in the basement of the Santora Building, beneath the Memphis Restaurant

**A $5 donation is suggested

http://www.nomadicimage.com/

2009-12-04T08:46:00.000-08:00

Downtown Incorporated presents: 'Project: Holiday Projection'. Using unique animated modules, multiple projectors will illuminate the facade of the Spurgeon building creating a show of light and shadows on the building's existing architecture, and will be synced with music.

Date: Saturday, December 5th

Time: 7pm - 9pm

Location: The Spurgeon Building- 206 West 4th Street, Santa Ana CA 92701

The montly Art Walk will also take place the same evening. Make it a night of culture!

OCFA 45th Anniversary Reception Dec 6, 2009

2009-12-04T08:38:00.000-08:00

45th Anniversary Art Reception at the Showcase Gallery
Sunday, December 6, 2009-- from 2pm to 5pm
Gallery hours begin at noon on Sunday
Recognition ceremony begins at 3pm

There will be Latin, Persian and Blues performances by local artists.

Address: 3851 South Bear Street
Santa Ana, CA 92704

The book of fabulous questions- Penelope Frohart

2008-11-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

Were you a good kid or a bad kid? I was a good kid… I got involved in my fair share, but if I wasn’t caught, which was most of the time; I threw myself into paranoia that I WOULD be caught. Hence, the first time I ever skipped school, I hid under my bed all day.
What cartoon character did you like the best when you were younger? Scooby Scooby Doo! That dog was crazy!
Did you have an imaginary friend? No not really. I had imaginary cast members. I would make up these great stories, like the love story with me and Superman, or the love story with me and Barry Gibb, and then I would have an imaginary cast support me as I acted out the imaginary scenes. Or another favie, was when I pretended to be Donna Summer and I had all my imaginary assistants and imaginary fans.
What is your earliest memory of school? Not sure which was first, getting a rock thrown at my head, or chasing Adrian around to kiss him and punch him.
What was your neighborhood like when you were younger? Haha! We were poor, and my mom was a single mom. We lived in the projects until I was a teenager. But all the kids were latch-key kids, and we all played poor kid games together which really were the most fun! Like- jump rope with a tire chain, and hide and seek with a belt… whoever found the belt got to whip everyone else with it until they reached home base, and Barbie poolside with the free hospital barf trays, or closet bowling with paper cups and rocks, or we went sledding down ditches on old cardboard boxes.
What was your favorite school lunch? I got the free lunch ticket, so I do have a lot of knowledge of the “school lunch” variety. Pork and beans were great, corn dog was great, mac and cheese was yummy, pizza was number one!
Did you ever run away from home? Where did you go? How long were you gone? Yes I did. Ran away for about 3 hours, down the street, got hungry, and came home mad.
What were you teased about when you were younger? Did you tease anyone? Yes I was teased for lots of reasons! I was poor; I wore either Goodwill clothes or pants that were high waters and shirts that were so tight I looked buff... hahahaha! I pee’d my pants until like 3rd grade! Everyone passed around my cooties, and my true love Trevor S (who was a JC Penny model by the way) hated me. In Kindergarten I teased Terra H because she was like 8 feet tall in Kindergarten, and because she smelled like toe cheese. But later, she invited me over to her house and we played ‘Simon’ so I guess we became friends.
Who was your first best friend? The first best friend(s) that I remember was (I think) 4th grade. There was Liz T who was my other big dork friend, and Terri M who was really popular so she didn’t talk to us at school, but when we got back to the projects we were friends.
High school:

Did you get an allowance? What did you do to earn it? I did NOT get an allowance. I got a job, and started working when I was 13.
What school sports and activities did you participate in? Cheerleading, Drama, Forensics, Latin club, Kissing club… oh wait…
Fav place to hang? Prolly at school sports events with my peeps
How often grounded? What was the cause? Two times, once cuz I told my mom ‘f-u!.. and she heard me. The second time I had a really big party at my house, and my mom’s friend stopped by and ratted me out.
Did you ever hang with the wrong crowd? I don’t believe there is a ‘wrong crowd’. I think we’re all just human and we just try to get through whatever is plaguing us at the time, with people who understand us.
Did you ever cheat on a test? How did you do it? Did you get caught? Darned it! I might’ve cheated a time or two, but I REMEMBER the time I got caught. Ms. Milne’s Latin II class finals… translation from a book. I PRE-translated and wrote the translation in the book. She caught me, and made me do another unrehearsed translation later. She told me that if I correctly translated, she wouldn’t fail me as she would have if she just caught me cheating. I Aced the translation… and she failed me anyways! The only class I ever failed. And today, I wear it like a big red Scarlett F on my sweater!
How often sent to the principals? Ever suspended? I was sent to the office enough times. I was suspended some, although always in-house. Here’s a hot tip for the high school student: become friends with the Janitors. This way, when you get in-house suspension, they can bail you out by saying they need you to… wash tables, pick up trash, whatever. Then if it’s in the middle of the day, you can go eat donuts with the Janitors, and if it’s after school, you can skip on!
What do you remember about the first dance you attended? I’m kinda embarrassed. My freshman year I had a date for Homecoming, and the night before the dance at the school bonfire… I acquired myself a boyfriend. So I broke the date with the Homecoming guy who I’d confirmed with weeks before, and went with my new boyfriend… Sorry Homecoming guy… date…
What kind of car did you use to learn how to drive? I was 11 or 12, and I would drive around my grandma’s Toyota in her yard to practice. One night JASON CURTIS and Jim Young were over, and they were hanging on the roof and the hood while I drove them around the yard… my grandma came out and nearly died from the hooorroor. She also taught me how to drive the streets in the snow, and we did wheelies in empty parking lots so that I could learn how to handle the snow!
First job? Nurse’s Assistant for an Alzheimer’s patient, and started when I was 13 years old. My mom worked out a deal under the table to work nights, and we alternated nights. If I had a game or a dance she’d trade nights with me. I held that job throughout high school, and in the summer I would pick up a day job. First day job? An Elf at the North Pole…hahhahahaha!
What were you goals after graduation? To become a famous Actress… hahahaha! I thought I would be discovered on the streets and wouldn’t have to audition or anything. So… that hasn’t turned out too well.

More "if"

2008-09-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

1. If you could ask God any single question, what would it be? "Am I in trouble here?.." or "Thumbs up?.."

2. If you could be one article of clothing, what would you be, and who would you belong to? OUT of the gutter! Out of the gutter! Ummm... sheesh, it's even grosser to think outside of the gutter! Try it... you'll see! Follow me! Back in the gutter! Back in the gutter!

3. If you had to eat the same meal for the rest of your life, morning, noon and night without worrying about nutrition, what would you eat? Espresso Frappachino. AND I'm not even addicted anymore... sheesh.

4. If you could live the life of any fictional character, which character would it be? Daphne from Scobby Doo. She's smokin' hot, adventurous, gets to travel all the time and gets to track down monsters with her meddling friends.

5. If you could have one person from history work for you as your personal assistant, who would it be? Jack White... and I'd get to pick his uniform.

6. If you could have the mind of someone else, but remain in your own body, whose brain would you take? George W. Bush. I think life would be easier if I were retarded.

7. If you could be invisible for a month, where would you go and what would you do? Well that all depends... do I ever get to materialize? Am I traveling by myself? If I were to say... rob a bank of gold bars, could everyone see the gold bars hovering in the air, or would those be invisible too?

8. If you were the sole survivor of a plane crash with everyone you know and had to choose someone to eat in order to survive, who would you select? The fattest one. Without hesitation... hmmmm if that doesn't motivate you to diet... fe fi fo fum

9. If you were to be successful in another profession, what would you want to do? A CSI!

10. If you won the lottery, what is the first thing you would do? Hire a temp agency to cover my two weeks notice.

11. If you had to choose someone you know personally to be president of the United States, who would you want it to be? Matthew because I know that with the appropriate interjections of pouts, frownie faces, and whines I would be able to rule the world by association.

12. If you could run any single company, institution or organization that exists today in the world, which would you choose? Coffeemonsterstudios.com... Now if I could just have the money that exists from a company, and didn't have to run it... Nike, or Martha Stewart Enterprises.

13. If you had to select any single man made object that best represents your personality, what would it be? The pogo stick... with tassels.

14. If you were to bear the child of a famous person alive today, whose child would you like to have? Bear a child from a famous person? Good lordie this is the 2000's, I can't think of anyone famous who I'd want to be their babies momma.

Still yet, even more from "if"...

2008-08-09T10:00:00.000-07:00

1. If you could work for any person in the world, who would it be, and what job would you want? I would like to work for myself as a jet setting gazillionare (slash) socialite. Then no matter what I did, my new "friends" would throw money at it.

2. If you could discover one item that belonged to someone in history, whose would it be, and what would it be? Jesus's notebook, authenticated of course.

3. If you could “uninvent” one thing in the world so that it would no longer exist, what would you choose? Television... with the hopes that we would all be more active, interactive and more mostest smarter. I think that people rely on that dumb box to make decisions for them, tell them what to do, tell them what to think, what to buy, what and who are cool, tell them what and who to hate and worst of all tell them HOW to love... ridiculous.
4. If you could only see one movie ever again, what film would you choose? True Romance... of course if it was the only movie I could ever see again, I would imagine after the first time, I'd be watching it by myself forever.

5. If you could have only one piece of furniture in your house, what would you want it to be? A bed... otherwise it's camping.

6. If you had to sleep with two famous people simultaneously, who would you choose? Sleep sleep? Those sheep from the Serta commercial.

7. If you could read the private diary of someone you know personally, whose diary would you read? Nobody I know keeps a diary. However IF they did, and it were completely candid, I would want to read Matthew's to be sure I have a handle on the inner workings of his complicated mind...

What about someone you don’t know personally? Someone I don't know huh? Oooh ooh, Marilyn Manson. I truly find him fascinating, hi-larious, genius and in touch with his impact. Loved his biography by the way, a really surprising look at who he is.

8. If you were on trial and someone you know (who is not a lawyer) had to act as your legal representative, who would you want to defend you? Nobody argues better and makes your argument complicated and twisted better than my husband. I've never been so confused in my life then after an argument with him. ON top of that, he'd work night and day to make sure all of the details were handled... AND he wouldn't let me roll under the bus. Then if he lost... he'd appeal and appeal until someone got tired of him (those of you who know him... think of his successful return strategy) and set me free.

9. If you could change one of your personality traits, what would it be? I like who I am through and through. I think a person has to have balance even in personality.
10. If you had to eliminate one season permanently (spring, summer, autumn or winter), which one would go? Before global warming became so apparent, I would've said Winter. Of course I live in southern California, so we don't get snow... summer would have to go.
11. If you could have one entire country “depopulated” as your private property, which country would you take as your own? I wouldn't want a depopulated country. I'd be lonely and Matt wouldn't have any fishing partners. Maybe if the question was 'less populated' I'd go for Italy or France.

12. If you could only keep one of your limbs, which one would you choose to keep? My right arm and hand. At least I could still high-five.
13. If you were to receive any existing public award, what award would you like to win? The Nobel Peace Prize...as... the reigning Miss Universe! Now THAT would be sumthin'.

14. If you could have any music group play at your birthday party, which group would you hire? The White Stripes... and I'd pay extra if Jack would play nekid.

Discussion about strong 'personality traits'...

2008-08-03T08:08:00.000-07:00

We all have ways of being that produce results. We tend to say that 'this is just who I am, I have no choice'. The truth is, that this is NOT who you ARE, and you DO have a choice. This way of 'being' is something you've created to make it in the world. Some of us wiggle out of uncomfortable situations by 'using' humor. Some use pity, some use control.... whatever you 'use' produces results. This thing 'works' for you. You might need attention, you might need to be acknowledged, you might need a sense of control because you are lacking somewhere else in your life, or you might just want to get your way. IN NO WAY am I stating that this is a bad thing. It works right? It is simply an example to clarify what we do as human beings... to 'make it in the world'. I love that statement because it implies that things in our lives are just barely held together, and if we don't hold on tight, we might wake up tomorrow and will have lost everything.

It is my belief that just to be aware, and to recognize that we 'use' these tools, will open up the realization that we have 'choice'. We use these characteristics primarily to hide from being authentic and accepting the consequences that occur from it. Being authentic translates to most of us as being vulnerable, however having the courage to be authentic generally produces amazing results, and you will never walk away from a conversation not feeling really good because, there is no additional conversation in your head like 'ooooh I should have said that', or 'I wonder what she meant', or 'I wish he would know this'. Your inner voice will have nothing to say!.... well, at least not until much later... because no matter what, that inner voice will always have something to say :) That's a whoooooole other topic.

Now all of this is just conversation. Being authentic doesn't mean you need to stop being funny (or take charge, etc.). I'm saying to embrace your humor, or your ability to lead others etc., and LOVE from it. You can 'choose' to be authentic in some situations that you usually 'use' humor, etc. to hide from. Example: your wife comes to you frustrated (probably AGAIN) because you are not helping around the house... you pull out the humor, badabingbadabang, she's laughing and you get out of the argument. The only problem is that her issue hasn't been addressed. You can guarantee that this won't be the last discussion about your inability to help out. OK, same situation, you become authentic, address her complaint, use understanding and selflessness... maybe try to understand why you're not helping out and address it... throw some humor in at the end, and now a communication bridge has been crossed. She's not going to be waiting to pull out that ammo another day, and you have become aware of the 'choices' you can make that will produce different results.

More from the book "if.." by Evelyn McFarlane & James Saywell

2008-07-28T19:14:00.000-07:00

1. If you could decide how to spend your last day alive, what would you do? Dang... ONE day? Well, I wouldn't tell everyone that it was my last day or I'd spend the whole day saying goodbye... so, I'd write my eguligy (see Zoolander... for the eguligy ref!) in the morning before anyone woke up, I'd get in the MINI, put the top down and take a road trip up the coast with my hubby and the puppies. We'd pull over a lot and eat, and roll around in the sand (wink) until I died I guess.

2. If you could decide what will be written on your gravestone, what would you have inscribed? la la you looooved her, you looooved her. Don't cry, dry your eye, have a slice of blubar pie.

3. If you could be the current world champion in any one sport, which sport would it be? Hot Dog eating champion. That little Asian dude has GOT to go down!

4. If you could cast an actor alive or dead to play you in a movie about your life, who would you choose? Angelina Jolie... she's hot right now... people would DEFINITELY go see my movie, and she's alive so it wouldn't creep people out.

5. If you could have your portrait painted by any painter in history, to whom would you give the commission? My good friend D Foxx. Brother's got heart, I know he'd see my soul... not just my winning smile... he might even paint my skeleton, how cool would that be?

6. If you were to be given one hour to spend an unlimited amount of money in any store in the world, but you couldn't’t sell anything that you purchased, where would you choose? If I had appropriate storage, I would say Exxon.

7. If you could say one sentence to the leader of the country you are presently in, what would you say? ... George W....seriously...WTF?

8. If you could have been any person from history, who would you want to have been? Listen I can barely deal with my own dilemmas... I'm pretty happy juss being moi.

9. If you could have a romance with any fictional character, who would it be? Wolverine, but the one that looks like a smokin' hot man… not the super hairy one who smokes cigars.

10. If you could have one person you know be your slave for one month, who would you choose? Would they take revenge on me after the month is over? Or would they be a feisty slave? I have a couple of candidates.

11. If you could have the home phone number of anyone in the world, whose would it be, and what would you say to them? Johnny Depp... "I LOVE YOU JOHNNY WOOOOOOO....WOOOOO!" Just kidding... but not really.

12. If you could commit one crime without being caught, what crime would you commit? Murder… ha-ha-ha-ha! No. Um bank robbery? But it would have to be a giant bank that had jewels and money and bricks of gold.

13. If you were kidnapped and could bring along only one personal possession (no weapons), what would you take? I’d say cell phone, but what good is that without the charger? Or laptop… same problem. A pair of scissors, and I would PROMISE not to use them as a weapon (wink).

Discussing complaints...

2008-07-28T17:52:00.000-07:00

There are obviously productive and unproductive ways of 'being'. Strangely, both produce results and have consequences. It is human nature to be both, and neither is right or wrong. It all comes down to choosing, and what you really want for your life.

We all have complaints that something shouldn't be the way that it is. These complaints allow us to justify ourselves, and our points of view. Funny thing is, we all don't have the very same complaints or point of views, yet the world still turns and functions as if our important and righteous ideas don't mean anything. Consider the possibility that they don't... because they aren't the truth. These ideas are what we've made up, and at every turn we gather evidence to support our opinions. We even surround ourselves with people who agree with us. They are not the truth.

The reason that we hold onto being right about our complaints is because... there is a payoff. The payoff allows us to continue 'being' the way that we are, and it allows us to justify why there has been no action in a positive or constructive direction. We associate being right with being powerful, however powerful is a way of being that actually inspires yourself and others. Powerful induces understanding, action and love. What then does being right produce? What then comes out of our complaints? Only justification to continue things as they are. Consider what you truly want from your life, and what complaints you might have that can be put to rest by being different.

So about 'listening'...

2008-07-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

Some of my ramblings might be confusing initially, but if you are open to the suggestions or ideas I’m going to share with you, you might just adapt a tool that you can use over and over again. You will need courage often when you use these tools, because we have a consistent, comfortable and routine way of ‘being’ with ourselves and with others, we tend to need to summon up courage constantly to ‘be different’ in our lives and in our interactions with others.

I’m going to write today about the way that we ‘listen’ as human beings. My last post touched on the basics of closure, and I’m very happy to say that the post opened up new possibilities in my life, and in the lives of several friends of mine. Let me change the word a little…closure sounds like the end doesn’t it? I’ll use a different word, and see if it changes the context of your ‘listening’… how about the word ‘completion’? Completion was possible because we were ready to ‘listen’ in a different way. Completion changes your life. I’m a big fan and encourage anyone out there reading this now, to consider what might be possible if you could complete with someone(s) that you are ‘keeping’ anger, hurt or resentment against. I say ‘keeping’ because truly the choice is yours. You have to decide if keeping these thoughts is worth what it does to your life… even if you have a terrific life, imagine what it might be like to have those feelings dissolve. The consequences of these negative feelings show up in your life over and over again until you have the courage to complete things. Is ‘being right’ worth the limitations you will experience because of this choice? I said “hell yes!” for years, and paid for that decision. I finally said “hell no!”, and in the space of two hours, regained an amazing friendship, and a piece of myself back.

So, about ‘listening’… the way that we do / will handle ourselves and our circumstances is already pre-determined by existing ideas that we’ve created for ourselves based on our past experiences. Here’s an example: a child is 5 years old and is sent to live with a non-family member. The child develops a notion at that time, that he is ‘not good enough’ because his parents sent him away (the ‘story why’ is not important). As an adult, his girlfriend says that she wants to take a trip with her girlfriends overnight. What he HEARS is “you’re not good enough to stay around for, but my girlfriends are”… ya dig how this thing works? So what we have to do is ‘listen’ in a different way. Create a possibility of taking what is SAID, for what is SAID, not what you think it MEANS. It takes some practice, and the desire to let go of ‘being right’. Get in touch with your authentic feelings about yourself, such as “I’m not important”, “not good enough”, “not smart” etc. and try to recall the first time that you felt this way…‘the story’. Next, try to be aware of all of the instances this appears in your life, and trust me, it comes up over and over again. Once you can connect ‘the story’ to your feelings about yourself, it’s actually quite funny how you’ve been sabotaging your life and your relationships since the day of ‘the story’.

Creating a beautiful life...

2008-07-21T09:23:00.001-07:00

I know, I know! I haven't posted anything in this blog in monks and monks... I've been busy with the life I've created, and had forgotten that in addition to something entertaining that ties into my website, this is an opportunity to continue to explore myself and to continue to grow as a person by sharing my life and my thoughts with others.

I had the opportunity this weekend to go back to Colorado and hang out with friends I haven't seen in 18 years, 15 years, 11 years... whoa! I feel so blessed that I continue to have such wonderful and amazing people in my life. Each old friend I had the incredible opportunity to spend time with, enriched my life then, and continues to enrich my life today all of these years later. That's mind bottling! I'm posting today because someone reminded me of all of the work I've done to be a happy and complete person, and of all of the work I STILL need to do to close chapters of my life and continue to lead a life that is fulfilling and full of love, acceptance and gratitude. For those of you I spent this incredible weekend with, I love you all deeply and am so grateful for each of you. It nearly brings me to tears to get close to those feelings, and realize that I'm SO fortunate to have such incredible friends. Thank you!

So now to the nitty gritty of this thing. Almost 5 years ago, two amazing friends of mine invited me and my husband to a seminar that they claimed "changed our lives". They had this undeniable excitement surrounding them, and also had this weird smiley thing going on. One of these friends shared with us that she had gotten in touch with her mother, who she had not spoken to in 12 years. She told us that she was working at building a healthy relationship with her, because her mother is the core of who she's become. We agreed to go, but told them that the minute they brought out the magic koolaid and asked us to put on the Nike's we were outta there! ... we participated in this seminar, and ... it changed our lives. I will try to explain some of the fundamentals in the next few posts, but if anyone out there is reading this, and has any kind of unrest in their lives, please see this website and seriously consider attending this seminar. You CAN have an incredible life, a life that you love.. and you don't have to be rich or famous, or a successful business person. This life is built by YOU, and starts with completing things in your past that give you unrest today. http://www.landmarkeducation.com/.

The fundamental in this post is about 'completion', or closure which all starts with conversation. Honey trust me, this is BIG. In NO way have I completed with everyone that I need to. And you know, I still need to. But here it is. Your reality is built on events in your past. Have you ever noticed that your reality is not the same as the reality of others? But you KNOW that you are right. You know that a + b = f, because you were THERE, and he said, she said, they meant... etc. Everyone has their very own reality, and it is all created by events in the past, and the MEANING they took from it. For example, a child's parents leaves them with relatives when they are younger (for whatever reason... the 'story' is unimportant), from this experience, the child decides that they must be unimportant, or unworthy, or unloved etc., this they carry into adulthood, into all of their relationships- work, personal or otherwise. They continue to operate their lives with this experience and the meaning that they made from it showing up everywhere. So, how can you stop this cycle? You can start by getting closure from the 'story'. It starts by being authentic with yourself and this story, and then getting into a genuine and honest conversation with the people who are the main characters in your story. If this conversation is done with honesty, integrity, gratefulness for the opportunity, and a real desire to put this story in the past where it belongs, your life can change. If this conversation is riddled with hurt, the desire to be right, revenge or dishonesty with yourself and the person you need closure with, the only thing you can expect is sadness and anger until you can stuff it back in the box and put it away for later. And if you don't complete it, it WILL come back later. I still have work to do, and if you are reading this post and there are obviously things that are unfinished, please call me and lets put this thing behind us. I have been fortunate enough to have seen the real results of closure or 'completing'. Amazing things are waiting for us all, we just need to have the courage to face them, get closure from them, and begin creating a beautiful life...

Cute way to say "I'm not thinking clearly"

2008-03-12T18:17:00.000-07:00

"I don't know why my thinking cap isn't working properly." -Mr Fine

Part two questions from "if"

2008-01-07T14:06:00.001-08:00

Part Two

1. If you had to work in one type of factory for the remainder of your days, but could choose which kind, what would you pick? Red Bull
2. If you could possess one supernatural ability, what would it be? Mind Control

3. If you had to paint your entire home, inside and out, a single color other than white, what color would you pick? A very light grey / blue white

4. If you could have any writer write your biography, who would you pick? Steven King
5. If you could forever eliminate one specific type of prejudice from the earth, which would it be? Against fat. It affects more people than any other group. Then we would all be allowed to eat to our hearts content, enjoy and savor food again, and eliminate the word “diet” forever! We wouldn’t have to keep comparing ourselves to people like Paris Hilton and friends, who have a single shared brain cell but are skinny, and we wouldn’t have to choke down 8+ glasses of water a day when what we really want is a Frapachino. The world might be more tolerant of each other if we all had full bellies.
6. If your home was to be totally destroyed by fire but you could save just one thing, what would it be? Not including pets or loved ones right? I guess I would choose the hidden treasure chest that is stuffed with money and jewels.
7. If you were to have your friends attribute a single quality to you, what would you want it to be? Fun to be with
8. If a photograph of one part of your body were to be used in an advertisement, which part would you want to be used, and for what product or service? My winning smile for Orbits gum.

9. If you could own any building in existence, which would you pick? Graceland. OR.. the US Mint.
10. If you could choose exactly what you will eat and drink for your last meal before death, what would the menu consist of? Green chili and fried eggs (with a slightly burnt tortilla), and then settle back with a gallon vodka tonic with Contreau and lime.
11. If you were to join one current musical group, which group would you want to be a member of, and what instrument would you play? The White Stripes... drums.
12. If you had to choose the single most valuable thing you ever learned, what would it be? To use the potty by myself. Can you imagine what it would be like not to know today?
13. If you could have a song written about you, what musician would you want to compose it and who would perform it? What would it be called? Matthew has written a song about me, and has performed it. It’s called “the flesh on your spine is so fine”. It is really a gem. I know it came from his heart.
14. If you had to donate everything you own to a charity that you have never given to previously, which charity would you give to? I’m a sucker for charities, so to find one who doesn’t have my home phone number and address would be quite the job. I guess I would choose another animal shelter.

15. If you could own only one thing for the rest of your life, what would you choose? A magical genie who grants unlimited wishes.

From the book "if.." by Evelyn McFarlane & James Saywell

2008-01-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

1. If you were to be granted one wish, what would it be?
Infinity more wishes that would come true of course! If I couldn’t have that one, I would choose health, wealth, happiness and understanding for all living things.
2. If you could spend one whole night alone with anyone in the world who is currently alive, who would you select?
Matthew
3. If you could physically transport yourself to any place in the world at this moment, where would you go?
Italy… then I’d send for Matthew
4. If you could eliminate any one type of insect permanently from the earth, what would you get rid of?
Cockroaches… what are they good for besides terrorizing innocent children, pillaging from the unsuspecting, and looking really hideous? I might even kiss a potato bug BEFORE I kissed a cockroach.
5. If you could in retrospect change one thing about your childhood, what would it be?
I would be rich instead of poor, and I wouldn’t have cooties. Then I could kiss Trevor Speary because he wouldn’t run screaming from me.
6. If you have any room in the world become your bedroom from now on, which room would you choose?
The US Mint. Then when I went to get dressed for the day, I would accessorize with cash.
7. If you could change one thing in the world right now, what would you alter?
The Minds of men. Everyone would go to whatever self help getaway they could relate to and learn to make peace with their mothers, that way we could all have a chance to be decent human beings.
8. If you could have stopped aging at any point in your life up to the present, how old would you want to remain?
Do I get to choose both physically and mentally… because I was pretty dumb at 24, but I was hot.
9. If you could suddenly possess an extraordinary talent in one of the arts, what would you like it to be?
Break dancing
10. If you could be instantly fluent in one other language that you currently do not read or speak, which would it be?
French

11. If you could have permanent possession of any single object in the world, what would you want it to be?
The WWF belt. I think it would be fun to have the other wrestlers threaten me for it.

12. If you could be sculpted by any artist in history, who would you choose?
Jim Henson
13. If you were to be stranded forever on a desert island and could only have one book to read, which would you want?
A survival guide.

14. If you could have personally witnessed one event in history, what would you want to have seen?
Too hard. I can’t choose one. I would give up being at any event in history if I could do a real time flash by of the faces of the people who witnessed the events. Like the caveman who made fire for the first time, or Edison discovering electricity, or the man who walked on the moon, or when Frankenstein came to life.
15. If one of your parents was to be a famous person from any time in history, who would you want them to be?
Bill Gates. I hear he’s a very generous man.
16. If you had to lose one of your five senses, which would you give up?
I wouldn’t like it, but it’s the most practical… taste.
17. If you could only keep one of your five senses, which would you save?
Wow suck. I guess I would keep sight because at least you could see what’s coming and duck.
18. If you were to have one famous person alive or from history stranded with you on an island forevermore, who would you want it to be?
Johnny Depp. He’s weird enough to keep it interesting, and he’s not bad on the eyes either.
19. If you were to be recognized by posterity for one thing, what would you like to be known for?
Saving the world from destruction and creating peace and harmony throughout the lands.

20. If you could have said one sentence to Hitler while he was alive, what would you have said? “Say hello to my little friend…”
21. If you were to drown in a liquid other than water, what would you want it to be?
Heroin juice.
22. If you had to be homeless for one year, where would you want to be?
A deserted island with my survival guide book from above.

23. If you were to have any one person alive today or in history call you for advice, who would you want it to be?
I would be willing to talk to anyone if they actually TOOK my advice.

24. If you could easily visit one known planet, which one would you go to?
Krypton
25. If you could have any one specific power over other people, what would it be?
Mind control.

Questions for 2008

2008-01-06T10:25:00.000-08:00

Shoot. I'm already behind on my New Year's resolutions. It's hard to believe that a mere week ago, I was shooting for a brand new me in 2008. Thankfully I did complete a brand new me seminar a few years ago which taught me to live in the space of commitment and not in the space of expectation. Because I'm still committed to exciting changes, and not expecting them, I'll just keep pressing ahead with resolution no. 11, which is to make time for my blog and to ask questions of myself that require a bit of reflection.

New Years resolution # 32 is to actually read most of the books I have put away for a rainy day, and this resolution is one humongous challenge! It dawned on me that if I combine a few of my resolutions, I could kill a couple of birds with one giant stone. A few weeks ago I decided to work through a book that I had gotten from my hubby's grandmother. I gave a copy to two of my best girlfriends who will share the experience with me, and this book interchanged with a few others will guide us through introspective questions throughout this year.

The first book which is a year long guided journal, is titled "Simple Abundance" by Sarah Ban Breathnach. I'll fill in questions where there are gaps from the book "Would you?" by Evelyn Macfarlane & James Saywell. "Would you?" is not a very large book, so throughout the year I'll have others to replace it, and will give credit to the author's where credit is due. I guess it's time to get started, and it seems I have some catching up to do.

Jan. 1
Q: What are your hopes for the future as you reflect on the years that have passed?

I'm truly grateful for the abundance we have in our lives. We've worked very hard together to come to the place we are today. My hopes for the future are to continue moving forward. To make plans for settling somewhere a bit slower and having a family of our own. To have a successful business that would fulfill and nourish us, and to have peace and contentment in our daily lives. To remain deeply in love, and to fight for our right to party.

Jan. 2
If you knew that a year from today you could be living the most creative, joyous & fulfilling life that you could imagine - what would it be? What changes would you make? How and where would you begin?

See the answer to Jan. 1! The changes would be to discover the "blocks" that we have put before us that have not lead us to the finish line yet. I'm a believer that events in your past contribute to the choices that you make today. We haven't found our ideal location yet because we both fear the idea of instability. We've worked so hard to overcome financial obstacles in our past that the idea of losing what we've accomplished is terrifying. We are secure, and are able to pay our bills with extras. We live in a comfortable home, and have stable jobs. The dream is a leap of faith that our choice will be right for us. The only way to accomplish our dreams is to begin from the beginning. The first step is to choose the location for building the rest of it, and to set a time frame for making that decision.

Jan. 3
Would you prefer fame or respect? A: Respect

Its hard for us as a society not to become enraptured by all of the latest celebrity shenanigans. I think the stranger they are, the more normal we feel we are. We see them get away with drug abuse, spousal and child abuse, traffic violations, criminal behaviors and still come away from the rubble wealthier and more adored than ever. Most of us get up and the crack of morning and gear up to be a part of the machine, no wealthier or more adored than the night before. It seems as if some forget they are human beings, and are supposed to also be functioning members of a collective society. We do jury duty, and pay our traffic fines because if we don't, the facade of the life we've created for ourselves could be fractured by the consequences. Fame does have its perks however. As out of control and irresponsible as some celebrities are, there are some that you see fall from the top of the world into the pit of despair that you cannot help but feel sorry for. At the forefront of all of their destruction are the watchful eyes of the entire world, anxiously waiting for the opportunity to feel better than "them".

Jan. 4
Q: Would you say you are prouder of your accomplishments or your character? A: Both equally

I've accomplished many wonderful things in my life, and have overcome enormous obstacles to get here. I've tried to be the best person I can be, and appreciate the wonderful people that have supported and encouraged me along the way.

Jan. 5
Acknowledge the good things that exist in your life, and be truly grateful.

To experience the full understanding of what is being asked, you'll need to find a 'system' that works best for you. The movie "What the bleep do we know?" suggests carrying what is called a 'gratitude stone' in your pocket everyday. Each time you reach into your pocket, you're reminded to be grateful for something or someone in your life. The book "Simple Abundance" encourages writing in a journal 5 things per day that that you are grateful for, and to do this religiously to get the full benefit. I'll begin the later a little later in the week, and have decided to end each of these posts with 5 things I'm grateful for. Keep a look out!

Jan. 6
What makes you truly happy? Learn to recognize & embrace moments of happiness.

I've decided to include a list on my blog and will update it as I recognize more things.
Here are a few: My husband's bizarre sense of humor, the way my puppies get excited when they see me, kissing, spell check, Hello Kitty stuff... you get the idea!

How to collect money owed to you...

2007-12-07T13:06:00.000-08:00

"Oh God this is terrible. Now I'm going to have to tell everyone that you don't pay your bills." - (name withheld to protect the guilty)

How to make sure your employees keep their word...

2007-12-07T13:02:00.000-08:00

"I'm going to do time cards today. I gathered all of the employees together, made them raise their right hands and promise that they wouldn't go home early or take long lunches." -(name withheld to protect the guilty)

How to dicipline employees...

2007-12-03T19:08:00.000-08:00

"There is Punishment, and Grand Punishment. Punishment is when you sit in my office and smoke a cigarette. Grand Punishment is when you sit in my office, smoke a cigarette, and write down the license plates of the trucks that go by the window." - (name withheld to protect the guilty)

Marc Jacobs article- first artwork

2007-10-25T14:02:00.000-07:00

I found a really neat article in this months bonus Vogue, about Marc Jacobs discovering his taste for art (As told to Eve MacSweeney). I love the fact that he has enough courage to admit that he used to feel "... as if I wasn't cultured or educated enough to appreciate art." Marc Jacobs! A lot of people feel this way. The truth is that art isn't about the Artist's technique, or creating something that can only be appreciated with a smart glass of wine and a cultured, educated audience to discuss it with. Art is about expression, and everything, and nothingness. It doesn't have to have a deep meaning to be beautiful, and it doesn't have to be painted, photographed etc. by a Master to be worthy. He goes on to say "It was a wonderful discovery when I realized that I didn't need to "understand" art to look at it; I just needed to respect my own opinions and feelings. There is no wrong response." If only more people could have that insight! Our homes would be filled with beautiful, imaginary, wonderful things that we simply love, not just wall decorations that match the sofa.

My apprentices

2007-10-23T11:08:00.000-07:00

Sofia (2 years old) & Cloe (4 months old), my baby Italian Greyhounds. I have found that these two princesses are fantastic artist apprentices. Thank goodness. I was getting tired of coming home after each work day and asking if they had found work to contribute to the cost of their food and / or shelter, or had at least circled any ads in the newspaper. I could tell by the cozy warm spots on the sofa, that they did not in fact look for jobs. Darn it... they are so cute that I just can't stay tough on the subject. I just might have to sell cans so that they can continue to be ladies of leisure... and oh yes, they are worth it.

Lambchop Puddington

2007-10-22T12:38:00.000-07:00

Dale :) I'm new to this bloggin' thing, so I'm don't know how to respond to comments yet! I figured the best way around this conundrum is to just edit the post... bear with me! Lamb Chop is a "she", and I named her after Sheri Lewis's puppet Lamb Chop. When I wear a red scarf... the resemblance is erie!

I'd like to introduce you to my sweetheart... Lamb Chop Puddington.

Coffee greetings

2007-10-22T12:25:00.000-07:00

Today is a red letter day. A particular barista at Starbuckles that I've been trying to figure, did not give me the "Angry Burt" today. Keep in mind he could give me a billion "Angry Burts", and it would not keep me away from my true love... the triple grande latte.

The "Angry Burt"

Baby Shower- Diaper cakes

2007-10-22T10:46:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, my sister-in-law and bro-in-law broke the sweet fat newz that they were pregnant. I now have a beautiful niece (duh, like she'd still be in the womb two years later!), and the memories of throwing the best darned baby shower in the history of this world and all others. I had all kinds of cool stuff going on, interesting games, a garden party theme where everyone had to show up in fancy hats, cool little brown and pink flower pots with a plant in each as favors, and the piece piece de resistance... a diaper cake. I had heard of a diaper cake several years earlier by a co-worker who made them, and truthfully couldn't understand why she was so excited about it. She explained that it was... a cake... made out of... diapers. Uh huh. So who would want that? Turns out, everyone loves a diaper cake! So being the Crafty Mc Crafterson that I am, I made my very 1st diaper cake and was hooked. I HOPE friends of mine get pregnant, just so I can build one. I'll have to include a picture of that 1st cake later, but I did get a chance to build another one for a shindig this weekend, and wanted to post the two that I've made since that historical day. Both of the cakes since have been for boys, and I'm dying to do one for a little girl now that I've got the hang of it! So pals of mine, start mating and bring me a little girl who needs a diaper cake.

October 6, 2007 ArtWalk

2007-10-08T13:09:00.000-07:00

Another really cool time at the Artwalk this Saturday. The only regret I have is that I had a few too many martinis to go back down to the gallery after dinner! The gallery patrons however probably do not regret my decision, who knows who I would've slobbered on :) I do have to say that regardless of the amount of martinis, I always believe I am super funny and entertaining and my friends are also super funny and entertaining. We had a great time!

A lot of new art to see this month. Pretty cool stuff. I love to see what people struggle with, anguish, fear, happiness, sadness, and what they create to share those feelings with others. Of course we have to understand as artists that not everyone struggles with the same issues. Its funny because I got a chance to talk to a fellow artist and exhibitor at Avantgarden Gallery, Ken Marapese (really cool line art, the technique is amazing!). We had talked about the differences in our artwork, and he had asked if I talk in depth to people who are interested in my paintings. I actually don't. I've found that once I explain my vision, it ruins the idea of what the piece means to someone else. People want to relate to a creation, and while "June" may remind you of your best friend, or a woman down the street who took care of you when you were hurt... well... "June" is my grandmother. Ya dig? Or "Round 28" (a big fav) means something different to each person who looks at it! .. to me, it is the struggle of being a woman, and believing that you have worth.

Art is a great way to communicate in a world that doesn't handle emotional responses well, and the Artwalk is a hidden gateway. It is a break from the glowing box that tells our families stories every night. It's a great night out, and we hope to see you there soon. I'll post more stories about the ArtWalk as I have time, it's always an adventure!

ArtWalk

2007-10-04T17:52:00.000-07:00

Remember! Every 1st Saturday of each month you can join me and my artsy pals for the ArtWalk in Santa Ana, CA. We'd love to see you there!

More info: The first Saturday of the month AvantGarden - the Art Gallery will participate in the Santa Ana Artist's Village Open House from 7-10pm ...most of the galleries in the village will be open, and parking is available in the city parking structure at Third & Broadway.

This month we also feature an acoustic performance by the band Lazy Preacher

Visit us on the web at: http://www.avantgarden-artgallery.com/

For the employee handbook...

2007-10-01T13:32:00.001-07:00

"Yes, I would like to add that if employees wear certain jewlery, it must be cleared with management first. Gold and Silver are tacky together." -(name withheld to protect the guilty)

Just in case you wanted to save money on plastic surgery...

2007-10-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

"You should try out for "The Swan". I told my wife the same thing."- (name withheld to protect the guilty)

When an employee moves too slow...

2007-10-01T13:24:00.001-07:00

To a complaining employee..."Well, maybe if you lose some weight you'd be able to copy faster." -(name withheld to protect the guilty)

What to say when you're really mad...

2007-10-01T13:20:00.000-07:00

"He made me so mad, I wanted to smash him like and alarm clock." - Matthew Baca

Survey Three (3)

2007-10-01T12:05:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the 3rd and final survey, congratulations! Hopefully you are enjoying the process as much as I am! I’ve found that it is pretty common to ignore the source of our feelings or try to gratefully forget our past instead of truly conquering it. Daily we pat ourselves on the back for somehow surviving or making it through, all the while never having enough balls to confront our problems at the source. We carry our emotional baggage like rocks in a backpack, adding more weight as situations arise, never confronting the source because somewhere it has been decided that we shouldn’t communicate or listen to each other with honesty or integrity. We shouldn’t demand the best in others and promise to give the best. We don’t want to hurt feelings, embarrass ourselves or anyone else, be uncomfortable or step on toes, and in the meantime we have filled our lives up with things unsaid, & questions unanswered because we have become complacent and afraid of ourselves and each other.

When I think about the message that has been passed for so long “it was a learning experience” or “well, now I know”, I have to laugh. That type of thinking has put up so many barriers, and has limited so many experiences, that life is not lived to the absolute fullest! We have been caught up in the actual ludicrous thought process of survival, and our lives seem to pass us by without FULL expression or noticeable event. We take for granted things and people that we should be grateful for, and while the world buzzes around us, we don’t take time to fully appreciate our own neighborhoods, friends or families. While in a rush to get to work, take care of your children, clean the house, make a buck- are we losing moments that matter?

We tend to look at our lives as a constant not an adventure, never surprised when we wake from the night before. From year to year we are satisfied with slight improvements, a better job, more money, etc. We expect to be a little bit more productive next year than we were this year and look at life as if there were a predictable trend upward as if it will never end and we have all the time in the world to make amends and live contented. The good news is it all is a human process. The even better news is that you have full control, access and ability to change your events, your thought process & your life. You can impact and change your minute, your hour, your day, your entire future just by choosing to do so. We have all felt an excitement over an idea or suggestion in life and have longed to express it, but many times we don’t. We become concerned that our excitement will be discounted by lack of shared interest or what others might think. To have a life full of excitement and void of fear, we need to acknowledge each other and give each other the support and freedom to express ourselves without judgments or blame.

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." ~ Carl Rogers

*Bonus question*- Did any of the questions in the last survey make you think more about the way you answered? Questions 1 & 2 on the last survey- addressing both your favorite and most painful memories and how they make you feel today. My look at these questions made me realize the feelings those events stirred then, still have an effect today. The answers are my reoccurring complaints today! Not enough freedom, lack of full self expression, feelings of inadequacy etc.

Getting to know you- PART III

1. What experiences would you like to avoid in the future? Being a poor judge of character… however I also realize that without trust and acceptance, this will always be an issue and I will be limiting myself in countless ways.

2. What characteristics do you like & dislike about other people? Likes: honesty, integrity, humor, optimism & genuine caring. Dislikes: lying, sneakiness, backstabbing (includes negative gossiping or rumors) and meanness.

What about yourself? Likes: humor, caring, & kindness. Dislikes: mean mouth when I’m angry, taking sides- loss of perspective and riding on my high horse without being aware of it- judgmental.

3. List 3 things that you are genuinely afraid of. 1. being so poor or broke that we lose everything and have to live in poverty. 2. Being rejected. 3. Losing the people in my life that I love.

What made you afraid? 1. Probably not having money growing up and the struggle each time everything was lost trying to put things and opinions back together. 2. Not really feeling like a part of things. Moving from place to place, staying with relatives, no siblings, grade school dorkdom, feeling like a third wheel a lot. 3. I’m fiercely loyal with my love and have this feeling that these will be the only people who I could ever love, and who would ever love me and completely accept me.

4. Are you judgmental? Yes I have been, but I really trying to work on that.

Do you feel constantly judged? Constantly, but I realized something very strange a few months ago. I walked into a room with a group of “young higher-ups” and felt completely embarrassed as the room stopped talking and all eyes were on me as I proceeded to ask my question. My little brain-computer was going a mile a minute “they probably think ‘What does this peon want? Poor sad girl, her age and look where she’s at’”, then I thought to myself- who cares what they are saying to themselves? Maybe I’m right and that is what they’re thinking, or maybe they think my shirt is stupid, or maybe my roots should be done, or my breath smells like garlic from lunch… WHO KNOWS? The point is, we all judge each other all the time (If you don’t buy this, next time you have a conversation with someone, try to notice your judgments), so now I try to recognize this and don’t scare myself by trying to figure out what I’m being judged for and just realize it’s human nature, not personal.

5. Do you gossip? Yes I do, and I love the gossip! Another thing I’m working on, however this one seems to be even harder.

Do you think your words affect other people or change the way they are already thinking? Yep- sure do. Speaking from experience, you can change someone’s entire perspective with words. Your opinion is just an opinion, however when you share that opinion it is oddly catching. Even if the listener doesn’t agree entirely with the gossiper, the perspective changes and you take into consideration everything that has been said, and form a new or revised opinion.

6. Do you believe that you make a difference in the world or in the lives of the people around you? I really hope so.

In what way? I try to be supportive and understanding. I try to listen and offer direction & I love unconditionally.

7. Are you completely honest and open with other people about who you are? I thought I was until a few months ago. Then as I started to re-explore my relationships, I realized I had a lot of shallow relationships that I thought were truly deep. I knew about their families, I knew their birthdays, I knew the stories of the heartaches and disappointments… but… I didn’t really know the people. I didn’t know what they were emotionally afraid of, I didn’t know what fears or insecurities haunted their lives, I didn’t know what made up these incredible human beings in my life, and I never shared these same things about me, with them.

8. What are your goals? To have a family, be financially in great shape, show and develop my art, learn new things like self defense, a new language, calligraphy and history. Get my body in great shape, and complete my house projects.

What are you actively doing to achieve them? Initially I was going to say “nothing”, and then I had to break it down a little. Family: Matthew and I are enjoying, learning and loving our current family- having kids will happen when it does, and IF it does. We are so blessed to have found each other. Financially: We may still have to work, but we are working smarter then we ever have and we are saving money and investing for the 1st time in our lives. Matthew is continuing his education, and I always have an eye out for the next step. Art: Well holy moly, I've been exhibitied in 3 galleries in the space of a few months, I've sold a calendar to a large corporate business, I have a print displayed in an overseas library, I have a website up and running, and have shared my art with a whole new group of people, it's no longer something I'm hoarding. New things, exercise: I am living in commitment not expectation and will accomplish these things, once I make them a priority. The idea or plan is concrete, now all I need is the action. My house: We are always working on the house, the idea here is to change my perspective and realize that we are a two to three-man team with limited money and time. The house will be finished when it is, in the mean time keep plugging away and realize that I LOVE working on MY HOUSE. It’s not a chore, it’s an adventure.

What obstacles do you need to overcome to reach your goals? Mindset, that’s it.

9. Do you believe your talents and skills are being used at work to the full potential? I think for the position that has been created and the amount of actual work that there is, yes.

Are you being paid fairly for the job you do? Yes

If you have answered no to either question, have you talked to your boss about this?
Why or why not?

10. Are you doing what you enjoy or are you settling for what you are doing? As an ideal I’m settling, it’s alright, no big surprises, just an income.

If money were no object what would you choose for a profession? I'd love to be like a "Surviorman", or "Living like a tribesman", and travel around the world having new dynamic adventure after adventure! You know who else has a cool job? The folks on Mythbusters. How cool would it be to do experiments all day?

11. What do you honestly think you’ll be doing in 5 years? Well, I guess it depends on how all of my extra ciricular projects go! I sure am busy trying to figure that out.

12. What is one thing that you would like people to know about you? I have a good heart and am a kind person. I would never intentionally hurt anyone.

Survey Two (2)

2007-09-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the continuation of our game. It’s been amazing that we seem to have a fear of sharing our lives completely with other people. That we’ve become so afraid of judgments and attack that we’ve closed off genuine and honest communication with each other, or that we’ve been so judgmental ourselves that others don’t feel that they can be open with us. We have limited our freedoms in relationships and the ability to have people in our lives that inspire, support and move us because of fear and insecurity. What is it that we’re all afraid of?

We’ve all been hurt (and have hurt others) at some point, but we’ve all lived through it. Our Super Secrets and insecurities only destroy us as long as we keep them to ourselves and make them as HUGE and IMPORTANT as we’ve made them. Spoken like a true Superhero? We’re all human. We have everything in common- we all beat out millions of other little hopeful humans to be here, we were all the fastest swimmers! We did the most important thing to exist, the same way. Nobody who is on this planet did anything more remarkable than anyone else to be here. No color is more dominant, no sex, religion or social status is more dominant. It doesn’t matter if you had all your limbs, all your senses or all “normal” abilities. Now that we made it, what’s next?

PART II

1. What is your favorite memory from:
Your childhood- Sitting on my Grandma’s lap while she told me stories, or we made up stories. I always felt safe, loved and like the most important girl in the world. I could escape everything at that moment with her and we could get lost in the story together. The “real world” was a million miles away and life was a fairy-tale. We took care of each other in our stories. I think we both needed that.
Your teen years- I truly loved my teen years. I loved all aspects of my social life, and I loved being a cheerleader. I had drama up the wazoo, so I was rarely bored. I guess in summary, I loved the energy I had to battle everything. I was not quite an adult, and still tested the boundaries without much consequence.
Adulthood- Before meeting my husband, going to the club with my girlfriends- knowing we were the shiznit and ruled not only the club, but the world. Dolling up to dance all night and gossip. After meeting my husband,- every time I look into his eyes and see his sincerity, love & kindness.

Looking at your answers, what did these events mean to you, or how did they make you feel?
Protected, Accepted, Free & Loved

*******Now really look at three events in your life that were most painful to you. What did these events mean to you?

2. Who were your best friends during childhood? My cousins, Terri Mitchell & Liz Thompson

What made them so special? I was an only child so the time I got to spend with other kids was always special. My cousins and I related to each other and supported each other through family madness, if we didn’t have each other at that time who knows how loony we would have been today. Terri Mitchell & Liz Thompson were two girls who also were being raised by single mothers, and we grew up in project housing together. None of our families had money, but Terri was popular and Liz and I were dorks. Terri still hung with us even though she might have caught cooties, and Liz and I survived Dorkdom together which some days seemed impossible.

4. Who were you best friends during your teen years? Kerry, Steve & the girls (and guys) on my cheerleading squad.

What made them so special? Kerry was/is always so dramatic and funny, plus she laughed at my corny jokes- we had a lot of the same baggage so we could always relate. Steve was very supportive and accepting, and cared about me even when my actions didn’t make sense, he didn’t judge me. My squad worked together to accomplish so much, we were always practicing or at a game- we stood up for each other, and supported each other. It was like a sisterhood.

5. Who was your arch enemy? A girl named Becky

Why? I didn’t even really know this girl. Mostly I didn’t like her hair, so I started picking on her and beating her up. She never fought back, & then I really didn’t like her because I felt that she was weak. If she were to ever confront me, I would absolutely apologize for terrorizing her. I think I had misplaced anger, and the idea of weakness somehow pushed the overload button.

6. As an adult, do you feel like you’ve had to give up innocence, and the ability to be carefree? At some point I decided this, yes.

Why or why not? Sometimes I make things seem like such a burden- like if I don’t hold on to everything really tightly, it could all just blow away. More recently I’m realizing that you can have balance. You don’t have to give up your idea of innocence, or your ability to let things go, and you can still be responsible. It doesn’t have to be one thing or the other.

7. As an adult, do you do childish things? Yes I do.

Like what? Pout & dramatize… big part of my character.

Do you feel that you accomplish something by being this way? At the time I do, but really if I think of the impact on myself & how it affects other people in my life, it takes effort to be this way and it takes effort to deal with me being this way. I can affect a whole situation by being a baby, and make it more difficult then it has to be.

8. Are you a good liar? Not at all, so when I lie I try to twist it so it’s kind of the truth. Such as; “This isn't new, I've had it for a while”- a while meaning a week or so, but it’s still the truth… kind of- and I STILL get caught.

BIG or SMALL, what is the last lie you told and who did you tell it to? Scary..I hope I don't get busted. My husband asked if I knew what had happened to the dinning room table, and I said "no". Truth is, I ironed a shirt on it because I was in a hurry, and then hid the burn with a place mat.

9. Do you believe in revenge? No

Give an example of revenge you have taken. I won’t name this girl but a couple of friends and I had a popular boy call her to invite her to a party, and when she got there I beat her up. She was in her car crying, and trying to ask some of the boys at the party why they did this to her, and I went through her window and continued to whale on her… all because she attempted to talk to my ex-boyfriend. Wow, that’s even ugly saying that today.

10. Do you have a complaint that seems to be reoccurring in your life? Lack of time to enjoy my life and relax.

What have you decided would “fix” this issue? Rearrange my context of what is actually happening, and just… enjoy my life.

11. Describe the PERFECT Life. A huge ranch house (with horses) in Northern California, with acres of land on a bluff overlooking the ocean, with our own private beach and private access. Two or three kids of our own. Time off for vacations & adventures, the freedom to say “I’m not going to work today”. Vodka tonics by the ocean, surf, sun & loads of creativity.
.
Do you think this is attainable? Sure do. We've been talking a lot about the big conspiracy theory, and the MAN keeping you down. I was a little blue the other day because things were not going the way that I had anticipated, and said that maybe true happiness with all aspects of your life is attainable once you conform and give up your dreams... I don't believe that TODAY, I was just blue...

Survey one- game I made up

2007-09-27T11:41:00.000-07:00

We’ve all been comfortable living inside the world we’ve created for ourselves. We operate inside the boundaries that we’ve made & even when we think we’re “taking chances”, most of the time it’s inside of those boundaries and we pretty much know what the outcome will be. Every once in a while though, we say to hell with it, throw caution to the wind and actually do something with absolutely no idea of how it will turn out. In those moments, we truly realize confidence, exhilaration, freedom & genuine satisfaction. Now, let’s just pretend for a minute that I’m telling the truth- completely & totally the truth. Lets just say that Life is one big game & everything that happens to us & all the troubles, happiness, everything is just something we…made up… like a story, a movie or a TV show. Let’s say that we made it up because otherwise life would be freaking boring! Lets face it… drama is exciting… good or bad.

I want to invite you all to play a game with me. It’s a game I made up. It’s a game to get those rusty wheels turning & start thinking about your life, your game, your role in it & how it affects people around you. The 1st part is a “getting to know you” survey. The survey will be broken into 3 parts so that you have time to digest the questions and answer after you’ve had time to think them over.

The second part of the game is this: Once a week (or so) I will send out a question for you to think about and answer, or a request that you do or complete something. Sometimes I’ll get the question or request from a book, sometimes I’ll just make it up. My only request is that you be completely honest with your answers. You don't even have to share this with anyone but yourself!

Ready? Lets have some fun!

1. What is your full name? Tiffany Elizabeth Baca

First, Middle & Last what’s the story behind your name? Tiffany came from a Playboy magazine my mom was given while she was in labor in the hospital. Tiffany was a name of one of the nekid models! Elizabeth was my grandmother’s middle name & Baca is my husband’s family name.

2. What is your favorite joke? There was a penguin driving in his little penguin car on a very hot day, and all of a sudden his car broke down. He managed to make it to the mechanic, and decided to go to the 7-11 and grab an ice cream while he waited for the diagnosis. Because he only has little penguin flippers, he struggled with the ice cream and most of it ended up on his face. When he went back to the mechanic to check on his penguin car, the mechanic told him "Well... it looks like you blew a seal." And the penguin replied, "Oh no, thats just a little ice cream."

3. What is the most important lesson you’ve learned from:
Another person- I’ve learned Love- from my mom. Love every living thing regardless of race, religion, sexual preference, financial status; fur no fur, in the ocean, mountains, Forest or Big City. Love people for what & who they are, not what you expect them to be. I think complete happiness resides in Love.
Life experience- Choose your partner carefully. This is a person whom you will need to depend on and trust. Make sure you have similar goals, because someone you can strive to become great with will always leave you feeling happy and satisfied, and the games you make up together to succeed, will always be fulfilling and rewarding- even if you fail, because you worked at it together. Also, choose someone who makes you laugh a lot. When someone can make you see the silliness in life, your troubles seem trivial.

4. What is your biggest pet peeve? Lying

Do you ever do it? Incredibly… all the time, (hey even a little white lie is a lie) and even more incredibly I tend to think that I don’t! Or I tend to justify why I do it! It’s okay for me because I have a really good excuse, but that guy? ...

5. When you make a mistake do you tend to let it go or dwell on it? I’ve been trying very hard to let it go.

Either way, why do you do this? Everyone makes mistakes, and I’m the only one that ends up getting neurotic about it. Most of the time for others, once it’s over… it’s over.

When you make an obvious mistake in front of someone else, either your boss, your partner or a friend do you get upset? Most of the time… absolutely. Somehow I decided that I’m never good enough or not up to par. So realizing I make mistakes even though I’m very careful (think about my organizational skills folks) is a tough thing to swallow. Now already having this insanity, imagine when I make a mistake in front of someone else- it’s just proof that I’m right… that I’m just not up to par.

What do you do to make yourself feel better about it? My pattern is to over compensate. Not only do I fix the mistake, but I set up some crazy booby trap so that I wont make it again, and then I tend to show the person or people who saw the mistake what I’ve done to correct it, and what I’ve done to prevent it from happening again so they “know” that I’m still really trying to be better than sub-standard.

6. Would you say you have a lot of friends, a lot of acquaintances or neither? I wouldn’t say a lot of either, maybe a couple of handfuls of both.

Why would you say this? I guess I decided that “a lot” means like over 20 friends and over 50 acquaintances. Whoa check out those standards.

Is it something you would like to change? I'm really very happy with the amount of friends and aquaintences I do have. The hardest part for me is letting the imaginary guard down, letting people into my life- and wanting to get invited into theirs.

7. In general, do you trust people? Ah-hah! Probably one of the reasons I don’t have more close friends. The answer to the question is… not so much.

Why or why not? I suppose I’m afraid that I will be betrayed. That all my precious secrets and fears would be spread around through gossip and I would be judged by a larger amount of people. I’m also afraid that once someone gets to know me and I share my real stuff with them and then they would decide not to like me anyway. I also have this thing that some people want to get to know me for ulterior motives- like to get someone to entertain them or entertain their real friends in social situations. Is that a little paranoid? Yah think?

8. What would you like the most for your life- Power, Money, Success, Confidence, Peacefulness or Complete Freedom from Fear? Peacefulness.

Why did you choose this? For me, peacefulness is complete satisfaction with yourself and your life. No complaints, no insecurities, no anxiety. I think it would feel like having nothing to do but relax in a padded lawn chair or a hammock and have your skin get warmed from the sun all the way to the core, and you could lie there for as long as you like.

9. Based on your personality and your habits, who are the people who have influenced you the most either past or present, and it what ways?
Family member- I’ve gotten a lot of my strengths and weaknesses from my mom. Sometimes it freaks me out that I can be so much like her. My mom’s an amazing woman and I am still in awe of her. Do you remember being a child and looking up at someone like they MADE the universe? I’ve never gotten over that awe. Even when something doesn’t go the way I think it should have, or isn’t said the way I think it should be said, I still feel that.
Friend- I’ve really tried to narrow this category down to just one person… and I can’t. I think that many people come into your life, and they all have something incredible to show you or teach you, from the first time you made a friend to today. It’s what you decide to accept is what becomes the gift. I have so much to acknowledge my friends for, and I want everyone reading this to know that you have all touched my life in incredible ways, even if you don’t think I’m talking about YOU… I am.
Relationship- My husband Matthew has moved, taught and inspired me beyond any words. He makes me feel like the most important person in the world, and I feel invincible with him. He’s taught me that all men are not alike, even though for years I was sure of it. He’s taught me that it’s okay to trust someone to love you, and its okay to let someone protect you. He’s taught me that everything you put in, you can get back. He’s shown me that even if I get scared to do things or complete things, that I have the courage to do anything- I just have to jump, and when I do I will never be alone no matter what the outcome.

You can link back to my website here!

2007-09-06T20:56:00.000-07:00

coffeemonsterstudios.com

About Me... or the Dreaded Artist Bio

2007-08-28T23:36:00.000-07:00

I was born and raised in the great Rocky Mountains of Colorado, and moved to Southern California 11 years ago. My love for creating art began as a child; where according to my mother “she would sprawl out nekid wearing only her tube socks, and would color and draw for hours”. Intimidated by both my Mother and Grandmother’s amazing artistic talent, I did not pick up another crayon until a train wreck of a romance came to an end at the age of 20. It was then that I locked myself in my apartment, swirled around paint, cried, cursed, and fought with God. My dramatics were not wasted however, I discovered something I loved to do… paint. It wasn’t until 2006 that I made a decision to come out to world. My partners and I started a greeting card company, and one of our 1st clients was an aerospace company looking for original artwork for a marketing calendar. The calendar featured 12 of my original paintings, and was a huge success for our client. In 2007 still desperately clinging to my MASSive collection of artwork, I was given a brochure introducing me to the OCFA (Orange County Fine Arts association). To date my artwork has been shown at the Bear Street Gallery, the Showcase Gallery, and has been on exhibit at Avantgarden Gallery since July 2007.